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The Down Syndrome by Umi

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From: Strawberry.dear

Date: 2008-04-19

Chapter: ?

Damn... I know you know how much I love this story and yeah... in german its great but in english... amazing! I love the "plot" and the butterflies even they don't mean so much like I thought... and the feelings. Amazing job, like every fic you do!

From: Moz

Email: juke_sprite@hotmail.com

Date: 2008-01-05

Chapter: ?

Just... Wow...


The title made me listen to The Down Syndrome by Grey Daze [because of Chaz], and listening to the lyrics, and reading it together, my friend, you left me in tears... The last line(s) really grab at your heart, man I'm still trying to put myself together after reading that...


Brilliant fic!! <333~

From: Welvia

Email:

Date: 2007-12-30

Chapter: ?

My God! That was so sad but beautiful. And the last sentence is just awesome. Great job!

From: PHILLIA

Email:

Date: 2007-12-24

Chapter: ?

it's sooooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaaad:'(

From: Jeana

Email:

Date: 2007-12-14

Chapter: ?

Oh, you've write the story in English now? Cool... :D

From:

Email:

Date: 2007-12-13

Chapter: ?

I thought that really good ...and sad. However, I think you should have just either the dash or quotation marks AND more description too. Even though it wasnt much description it was still deep. *thumbsup* :)

From: Tsuu

Email:

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: ?

At least Mike kept his promise.


Amazing. I even cried, I guess listening to The String Quartet Tribute to Interpol "Interstellar" while reading wasn't helping much!


You didn't describe much, well, only Mike's fears since we're in his POV, and vaguely what we really had to know about Chaz's parts (standing on his roof' the whole effin' time freezing his ass off // strange winds noises). You mainly focus on their conversations and I liked it. Chester incoherenes and how he didn't want Mike coming over + lack of description freak me out.


I even heard him falling then crashing. Damn those butterflies! They make you do stupid things.

From: Twi

Email:

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: ?

Holy shit that was played out so nicely.

Very eerie and creepy, but in a poetic way. I loved it.

The ending makes me shudder.

From: nodabear89

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: ?

that made me cry.

-danni

From: Bennodaluver234

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: ?

O.o....That's all I can say...That was just...wow

From: Tina

Email: tibbigirl84@yahoo.de

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: ?

I've already read the german version of this story about a hundred times but I'm not regoistered at ff.de, so I'm not able to comment. I abso-effing-lutely love this OS ! I'm still tearing up everytime I read it. It's so beautiful & sad. But then again I love pretty much all of your stories. Keep going, you're awesome ! :)

From: L~T

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: ?

First of all, I would like to start by saying that the concept of the butterflies and death is a unique and brilliant way to create a very interesting story. You've done that well.


Secondly, I would like to speak about the issue of structure because God knows I'm a sucker for structure.

I didn't feel the emotion that should have been present in this story because I was too distracted by the sometimes confusing conversations and oddly placed dialogue.


I've studied different languages and their different structures of writing and I've noticed that in the different languages I've read, the dialogue is started with a dash ( - )


In Ennglish, dialogue is started with open quotations and ended with closed quotations. ( " }


I think that if you only used quotations when starting dialogue, it would be easier for the reader to decipher who is speaking and when they start and stop speaking.

All the dashes became confusing after a while.


I also encourage you to use a little more detail between dialogue so that the reader is able to SEE / HEAR / FEEL the story instead of just READING it.

Writing is all about appealing to not only the visual senses, but also the others.

Feeling what you are reading is so much more satisfying than simply seeing the words and creating a story about it.


Now, its not always necessary to add actions to what the characters are doing but adding an atmospheric description of the situation gives more to the reader than a simple writen action of the character.



I encourage you to keep writing and developing your skills because I truly see alot of potential within your work. :)

From: Kelly

Date: 2007-12-12

Chapter: ?

you are so fucking brilliant.

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