I like that the story starts in middle school because usually we read about them in high school. I like where this is going. It never occured to me that Mike may have been bullied for his ethnicity. If he had been in real life, then he sure showed those bullies who is the king. Great start. Rated
Forgot! Writing tips: try and show, not just tell. That will really help bring your readers into the story.
For instance, instead of telling us that Mike is nervous, show us that he's nervous. What's he doing? What's he thinking? Is he staring at his shoes? Is he starting to sweat? Is he losing track of his words? Make us feel it.
Finding a good balance between showing and telling will take your writing leaps and bounds ahead.
Hope that helps :)
First off, damn, does this story give me nostalgia of being in middle school. Wow.
Ok, anyways, I want to really commend you on the series format, with the "episodes" all divided into "seasons." It's very creative, I love it! Along with starting off with Mike in junior high, which gives a hilariously funny image. I'm sad for Mike and everything he goes through by being bullied like that. I know that IRL things weren't so peachy for teenage Michael and it makes me feel for him. Also, I really like how you've described Muto, especially the bit about keeping his office frustrations inside. It's very in-character as much as I would guess of a Japanese, middle aged man.
As far as improvements go, I think it's mostly the grammar that needs work. You would probably benefit from having a beta reader help you.
At the moment, I can't think of any title suggestions for you, but maybe you should try combing through some Linkin Park lyrics. Honestly, sometimes the words you never would have thought to use as story titles end up being the best ones once you really consider it.
Hope to see your next update soon. :)
Dude, that was sad! Poor Mike. I really feel for him. What is up with all the hate? He didn't do anything, he's being hated for simply existing. You better give him a friend! That's not a threat, that's a plea.
I'm hopeful it will be Bradford, despite his slack ass not being there lol
Even the teacher was short with him. Where's Chester? We need his lip snarl right about here. He doesn't even have to be in the story yet, he just needs to physically be here so he can snarl at everyone and everything. Gosh.
Ok, moving on. I think my favorite part was when Mike was reflecting about how his dad handles similar situations and now Mike wants to/feels he needs to, handle his situation in the same way. It's so poetically tragic. Here he is, trying to shoulder this burden all by himself - to be like his dad, to protect his parents - it pulls on my heartstrings.
*insert Chester's lip snarl*
And yet, his dad seems like a rather happy guy. And Jason, so young he hasn't been marred by the world yet.
I do hope there are better days ahead for Mike. Trials can definitely shape who you are and who you will become, but it's so much for a young kid to handle.
Rating this for you - for the shear tragedy and Chester's lip snarl. This story needs a hug. I volunteer Joe to do it.
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