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I Wish It Wasn't So by Penelope_Ink

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From: halvlang

Date: 2019-04-21

Chapter: 12

Ok... Mike talking to Otis was such a hard start into this chapter. He thinks he is a bad father but here he really proved himself wrong - being accepting and promising that he will always support Otis, that is just what parents should do. It doesn't make them perfect (because that should be the normal thing to do) but it for sure makes him a good dad and he needs to see that. Even if he manages to leave Anna (I'll explain the if below), he will still be there for him and the fact that he worries about not seeing him anymore is already showing that he cares.


And then Chester showing up. Being such a mess...Passing aprons the baby seems a funny thing, if the situation wouldn't be that fucking serious... It made me laugh over and over again, seeing how the two many handing him there and back but then the seriousness of their words and Chester's emotional strip... That made it really hard to read. And then they dance Otis to sleep together and my hearts melts and all I want Mike to do is run into the house and tell Anna that he is sorry but that he will leave her.


That she knows exactly what happened between Mike and Ches and that she is curious and protective - I understand it, I really do. But... Mike nearly died. So, despite all he empathy in the world, it is in her interest to let him go. This whole situation made him so miserable that he tried ending his life and maybe not every issue is solved when he gets back with Chester but it is for sure safer than forcing him into a relationship that he doesn't want to be in. I'm actually quite shocked about the whole flashback and how Anna threatened Mike to tell his parents. That was really not ok... I see that she felt betrayed (because she was) but again - it's not in her interest to have a miserable husband that rather would end his life than living the way she (any his parents) wants him to.


That he didn't manage to tell Anna, despite the promise he made to Chester, made me afraid as hell. I thought he really understood that Chester is all in and that all he needs to do is coming clear about it with Anna. But he isn't and I'm afraid that he won't. But he isn't getting another change, Ches was clear about that.


So, Mike - it's now or never!

From: mermaid_life87

Date: 2019-04-19

Chapter: 12

My confidence in Mike is really, really lacking right now. :( And I so wish it wasn't because I need him to do the right thing. NEED. He can't fuck this up again. If he doesn't tell Anna, pissed won't even begin to describe how I'll feel. My heart will break for Chester. Like Ches said, he's willing to let go of Talinda for Mike. Mike just has to be brave enough to take that first step. And he damn well better be.


Chester's way of going about this is so commendable. I was extremely proud of him for taking control and laying it all out there for Mike. I actually found his take charge attitude pretty sexy lol I would've been all like, "Got it!" and then go about immediately doing whatever was necessary lol I don't think I would need to ponder over anything like Mike is but that's just me. ;)


Anna...wow. First, her thoughts about Chester were irritating. Like he's some sex crazed maniac bent on attacking her husband at every turn and Mike is some poor, defenseless victim. *rolls eyes* That pissed me off. And her word choice when she caught Mike in the act wasn't cool either. Especially since it was said in anger.


I loved them dancing Otis to sleep and passing him back and forth and how, whichever one of them was holding the baby, was the one who got to talk lol


I've never been big into phone sex but, I will say, you managed to write a phone sex scene that I didn't dislike :p haha I actually wanted them to keep going and was disappointed when Anna interrupted o_O So, basically, you get, like, all the kudos for that!


Can't wait to see if Mike mans up or not. I certainly hope so.

From: lpfan503

Date: 2019-04-19

Chapter: 12

Wow. I don’t even know where to start. I love it when you leave me speechless. And the end of this chapter did that. So… I’ll go back to the top and see what I can say.


Mike on the floor with Otis. :/ My heart. He’s so detached, and I can so picture tummy time. My son hated tummy time. He would have been screaming his head off. But Mike’s just looking through texts. It’s interesting that there’s a lack of intimacy between them, and Mike is just now noticing. Chester has been careful to keep it all neutral, and I know he was really hurt, so I’m thinking his walls are really high. It will take a lot for Mike to get through that this time. OH! And the thread having pictures of food reminded me of all the mexican food pics I send you. lol.


→ “I promise you, I’ll always support love in your life.” ← This, along with Anna’s comments in the flashback, lead me to believe that Mike’s parents just aren’t that open-minded. Or at least, he thinks they aren’t. (WTF with the frogs?? You promised you’d tell us.)


Anna - ugh. She’s really not likable in this story, even more so by the end of the chapter. I still won’t be surprised if she saw them dancing. More on that in a minute.


I LOVE PASS THE BABY. I was getting teary all through that section. I love this Chester. He might be my second favorite of all your Chesters. (Devil Ches is and will always be my undisputed favorite Chester ever.) I love Otis grabbing Chester’s face right before he gets so serious with Mike. Let me tell you, this pulled at my heart, and I’ll have to tell you why privately: “So, here’s how it is… I miss us. God, Mike, I fucking do. I’ve spent the last ten years trying to forget, and now it feels like we get a chance to start over.” Tears, tears, all the tears, fuck.


→ “Your son is tired,” he whispered. “Let’s dance him to sleep.” ← Whyyyyy does that simple little thing feel so intimate? Gah. I know I’m always so fangirly over your writing, but you make the smallest things so important. It’s my favorite moment of the whole chapter. I think. There’s another bit, too.


I wanted to high five Chester for being so strong when he told Mike no, he had to make the first move. Good for him! I don’t know how you managed to do it, but you’ve made me love Chester more than Mike in this. I empathize and ache for Mike, but he’s weak. I love this strong Chester. I want Mike to make things right and for them to be together and Chester to be vulnerable with him again. I don’t blame him one bit for the caution. It’s brilliantly written. And the kiss… ahhhhhhh. :)


“If we do this, then it’s you and me for real.” Fuck. Yes, Chester. Yes, yes, yes.


THEN you get to Mike in the bathroom and I want to slap him. The only time I didn’t want to slap him was when he was thinking about not being with Otis. He does love him. Poor conflicted Mike. But then I’m right back to wanting to smack him. It’s almost like he’s second guessing himself because Chester said they won’t hide it. Boyfriends/husbands seems to be tripping him up. Who cares about the house and the lifestyle? I want to shake him. It’s Chester, not crazy fucking Anna. Which btw, in this flashback, I hate passionately. I love how Mike is with Anna but texting Ches, and he’s so like - BYE - when Chester calls. Their dirty talk is hot (especially Mike’s) and then she walked in. I knew it was coming, but ugh. To so easily call Mike names, to blackmail him, and then be like - let’s get married…. Like, bitch! You crazy! And WEAK, WEAK Mike Shinoda, going along with it. Ugh. I really do want to smack him. So you’re doing a hell of a job writing these characters.


This is my favorite line for real: “It was supposed to be fun, not obsessive. Not sprinkled with jealousy. Not consuming.” Yep, sums up an affair perfectly. Fuck.


I hope Mike grows a pair and tells her what’s up. He doesn’t have to be mean, but he does need to be truthful. And I think he needs to tell his parents before Anna does. I hope he doesn’t fuck this up again.

From: wing69wing

Date: 2019-03-30

Chapter: 11

I love this fic so much! I also love you mentioned Ryan And Amir , DBS Brothers for life <3 cos I really appreciate that sweet Ryan guy in RL.

Please update soon!

From: derekbrad

Date: 2019-03-25

Chapter: 11

Mind is completely in shock from the hot bennoda scene, just woooow 💕💕💕

From: becisamonsta

Date: 2019-03-23

Chapter: 11

The coin flip got me, it was like a sheer hope for me haha. Also Ryan And Amir I am loving them in this :) the slash scene has been the highlight for me, was ridiculously hot and just full of hot bennodaish I could almost cry. This story always does it for me, as does your writing. Fantastic as always ❤️

From: hearts.on.fire

Date: 2019-03-22

Chapter: 11

Yesssss! I loved all of this chapter!!


So glad it picked up right where the last chapter ended. I liked the back and forth texts, Chester sounding like a lovesick lunatic. And him saying "I love you" when "I love my wife" was repeating over and over in his head. Ugh!!


The cucumber water cracked me up. "I know my limit." :D. Amir and Ryan are both really good friends. I'm glad has their support and somebody to vent to. I wonder if he will tell Talinda everything. I mean, he totally should. It's the right thing to do, but jeez that's a lot to come clean about.


The flashback scene was awesome. I feel like condom use is something that's rarely talked about in fanfiction (I'm certainly guilty of it.) So, it was nice to see that it was a concious decision for them and another "rule" broken that brought them closer together (both literally and figuratively.)


I'm so excited for the next chapter. Yay, he's going to talk to Mike!!! Can't wait to see how that will go!

From: JellyfishLP

Date: 2019-03-22

Chapter: 11

Again such an awesome chapter, I really cannot wait for more! I loved the coin flip, because it was SO OBVIOUS that whatever side the coin would land on, Chester would hope for Mike, and we all knew it :)


The slash scene was fantastic! So hot. Different from other slash scenes I've read from you, which was really surprising. I like your usual slash, which is kind of harmless and adorably cute, but this one was so damn hot, I loved it!


Please update soon :)

From: Esmeralda

Date: 2019-03-21

Chapter: 11

You updated this really fast and I truly appreciate that because I love this fic so much. I was not able to leave a review for the prior chapter so I'm just gonna make a quick stop to mention that I really loved the similarities between their very first kiss all those years ago and their first kiss now.. so sweet and so beautiful.


Also Chester running away at the end and freaking out was the exact reaction I was expecting from him. The whole yada yada thing was hilarious. I can just imagine what will be Brad's reaction once he knows about Mike & Chester affair, because I'm pretty sure that affair will start all over again, they will not be able to fight it.


Dammit that whole slash scene was so HOT HOT I think is one of the hottest you've written.. their slash is usually sweet but this one was really really hot. I don't even know how were they able to work together all this year.. and I mean Meteora or MTM.. like I cannot even imagine the sexual tension of them being around each other after having a relationship like this.


Im glad that Chester has friends like Ryan and Amir that can help him in this whole mess.. I agree with Ryan and the coin flipping.. that was a great idea. And I love the fact that Chester was thinking in Mike all the way. Please update soon I need to see Mikes reaction to Chester being back at his place. Let them love each other. They need it and me too!!!

From: L.Phoenix

Date: 2019-03-20

Chapter: 11

It was an episode of Frasier! Frasier couldn’t decide between Cassandra or Faye and his brother Niles was going to do a coin toss but never did and said “there had to have been a name before I tossed” or something along those lines. *hides* I’m such a nerd lol!

From: L.Phoenix

Date: 2019-03-20

Chapter: 11

I finally had time to catch up on this (I work so much and came home sick which means I’m lazy which means time to read lol!). I left off on the fountain chapter and made it to here and omg! These two! The history between them! The tension now! And could Mike be any sweeter?! Poor Chester was so conflicted and I kinda knew what the coin flip trick was (there was something similiar to that in either a movie or a book I read somewhere along the history of my old age 😂 where a character had an approach like this. For the life of me I can’t remember it now and it’s driving me insane but I’m sure it’ll hit me at like 3am.) ANYWAY! Them getting so into the moment that they left their glasses on is a new Bennoda kink I didn’t know I had lol!! And I need to know what happens when Chester goes back to Mike! NEEEEEED! If I could rate this story four times over I would. Can’t wait for the next chapter and for The Arrangement (they’re getting so close!!! I hope they trade in their hobbit bed for a King but kinda hope they don’t at the same time lol!)

From: mermaid_life87

Date: 2019-03-20

Chapter: 11

I felt bad for Chester in this chapter. :( I know Mike's intentions aren't to derail Chester's life but it's inevitable with what's going on. Btw, you're writing how conflicted Chester is perfectly. I'm loving it (because Bennoda) and hating it (because struggling/sad Chester) at the same time.


I was so not following Ryan's coin toss idea till he asked Chester what name he was thinking of and then I thought it was pretty genius actually lol


I really wanted Mike to come out to the car because, like Chester, I was pretty sure what it would lead to ;) but I guess it's better he didn't *rolls eyes* My Bennoda perv self can just be so selfish/greedy sometimes.


The slash was amazing. Fucking hot. So thanks for that! ;)


I agree with lpfan503...that was an absolutely terrible place to leave it. I really, really can't wait to see what happens when Chester gets back to Mike's place. Am I jumping the gun in hoping for Bennoda lovin'? :p

From: lpfan503

Date: 2019-03-19

Chapter: 11

I would just like everyone to know that if I stop updating my own stories, it will be because the PLACES YOU STOP IN THIS ONE WILL HAVE KILLED ME. God, I swear, I could shake you right now. I always have to walk away from this story and come back and write the review because it gets me so worked up. How you can stop there, I will never understand. But, fine. Whatever. I’m not mad.


Chester’s texts are so sad in a funny way. He’s trying to do the right thing but his heart is making him write things he didn’t mean to say. I feel bad for him. Mike has really shaken up his life now, and he is freaking out. I have to say, if Mike Shinoda wanted to rekindle a 10 year old relationship with me, though, there would be no question. I’d be all in, immediately, no matter my current marital status or kids. Because it’s Mike fucking Shinoda.


Amir’s reaction is great - “No, really? Mike who?” ← bahahah, that is so the reaction anyone would have. That whole scene is great, with Ryan and Amir trying to help. I was like - what? with the whole coin toss thing, but Ryan is SO RIGHT. When it comes down to it, you’re always hoping for a certain thing. I love the whole bomb-drop moment of Chester admitting it was Mike. I’m pretty sure it’s always been MIke. And Chester thinking later that Mike has always loved him. So perceptive and true. Back when they talked about starting the affair, Mike was in love. I didn’t know that Chester knew that. And maybe he didn’t then, but in retrospect he can tell. Either way, I think it’s important that he is recognizing that now.


Now. This slash. Fuck, that was hot. And usually, I’m telling you how sweet your slash is. But this was fucking hot, omg. Yes, Chester, I also love Mike Shinoda’s fingers. Damn. I love how they talk to each other during foreplay. I was as frustrated as they were about the lack of condoms, but I was so hoping that I knew what was coming next, and I was not disappointed. I also noticed that they were not on their first pack of condoms, so they’ve been having sex for a while. I think this was just right. The passion taking over and them just throwing all the rules out the window. And their glasses being on still so they were fully in that moment and seeing each other, FUCK. Kissing on the lips was just a gateway for everything else. Fuck. It was exactly right, in my opinion. But clearly my opinion doesn’t matter because I WOULDN’T HAVE STOPPED WITH HIS DECISION AND NOT FINDING OUT MIKE’S REACTION TO THAT DECISION. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT WORD COUNT AND I CALL BS. I THINK YOU JUST LIKE TO MAKE ME REVIEW IN ALL CAPS.


I don’t have anything else to say. Excuse all the fucks and capital letters in this review.

From: Effervescent

Date: 2019-03-19

Chapter: 10

it was so good i finished all the chapters in one day. you got me hooked! it all went straight to my heart. Also -

you're phenomenal.

all of us are lucky to have such a great writer in our family, and i have to add that you're extremely nice and supportive. THANKS FOR BLESSING US

From: angleLP

Date: 2019-03-18

Chapter: 10

First of all, I love how concerned Brad is over Mike but I hate that he keeps accusing Chester. I get that Chester was involved in things in the past but that doesn’t mean he’s the reason for what is happening with Mike (at least not actively).

I think Brad is going to figure out soon that something’s been going on between them or happened in the past. He’s keeping a really close eye on Mike right now.

I love the way you planned their first kiss. I’m glad it wasn’t a heat of the moment thing. The way they kissed when they were not doing anything lust related just shows they had true feelings for each other.

And I kinda have mixed feelings about the present kiss. I mean I’m happy that they did but i just feel bad for Chester. It’s clear that mike wants him and Chester does too even though he keeps telling himself otherwise but Chester now has a family to think about. I get why he’s so conflicted about his feelings. He does love mike but he’s still hurt about how things ended. I feels things won’t go back to normal until they talk about everything including the things that hurt them and about their true feelings for each other back then.

From: angleLP

Date: 2019-03-18

Chapter: 10

First of all, I love how concerned Brad is over Mike but I hate that he keeps accusing Chester. I get that Chester was involved in things in the past but that doesn’t mean he’s the reason for what is happening with Mike (at least not actively).

I think Brad is going to figure out soon that something’s been going on between them or happened in the past. He’s keeping a really close eye on Mike right now.

I love the way you planned their first kiss. I’m glad it wasn’t a heat of the moment thing. The way they kissed when they were not doing anything lust related just shows they had true feelings for each other.

And I kinda have mixed feelings about the present kiss. I mean I’m happy that they did but i just feel bad for Chester. It’s clear that mike wants him and Chester does too even though he keeps telling himself otherwise but Chester now has a family to think about. I get why he’s so conflicted about his feelings. He does love mike but he’s still hurt about how things ended. I feels things won’t go back to normal until they talk about everything including the things that hurt them and about their true feelings for each other back then.

From: angleLP

Date: 2019-03-18

Chapter: 10

First of all, I love how concerned Brad is over Mike but I hate that he keeps accusing Chester. I get that Chester was involved in things in the past but that doesn’t mean he’s the reason for what is happening with Mike (at least not actively).

I think Brad is going to figure out soon that something’s been going on between them or happened in the past. He’s keeping a really close eye on Mike right now.

I love the way you planned their first kiss. I’m glad it wasn’t a heat of the moment thing. The way they kissed when they were not doing anything lust related just shows they had true feelings for each other.

And I kinda have mixed feelings about the present kiss. I mean I’m happy that they did but i just feel bad for Chester. It’s clear that mike wants him and Chester does too even though he keeps telling himself otherwise but Chester now has a family to think about. I get why he’s so conflicted about his feelings. He does love mike but he’s still hurt about how things ended. I feels things won’t go back to normal until they talk about everything including the things that hurt them and about their true feelings for each other back then.

From: angleLP

Date: 2019-03-18

Chapter: 10

First of all, I love how concerned Brad is over Mike but I hate that he keeps accusing Chester. I get that Chester was involved in things in the past but that doesn’t mean he’s the reason for what is happening with Mike (at least not actively).

I think Brad is going to figure out soon that something’s been going on between them or happened in the past. He’s keeping a really close eye on Mike right now.

I love the way you planned their first kiss. I’m glad it wasn’t a heat of the moment thing. The way they kissed when they were not doing anything lust related just shows they had true feelings for each other.

And I kinda have mixed feelings about the present kiss. I mean I’m happy that they did but i just feel bad for Chester. It’s clear that mike wants him and Chester does too even though he keeps telling himself otherwise but Chester now has a family to think about. I get why he’s so conflicted about his feelings. He does love mike but he’s still hurt about how things ended. I feels things won’t go back to normal until they talk about everything including the things that hurt them and about their true feelings for each other back then.

From: becisamonsta

Date: 2019-03-17

Chapter: 10

Talk about drama! Drama! Drama! And I love it ❤️ Their first kiss was everything I expected it to be, and the whole still in love with your wife thoughts, just makes it all the more interesting. Can’t wait to see the drama unfold a little more ❤️

From: mermaid_life87

Date: 2019-03-15

Chapter: 10

About their first kiss...Im super excited over just being sorta right! Lol It bascially happened in the reverse of my prediction and that's still good enough for me. :D Plus, not only did Chester not object to Mike kissing him, he asked him to do it again which is just...Bennoda perfection!


Chester's "I love my wife" mantra is very telling. He's obviously struggling hard with what's going on and he wants Mike too. If he didn't, that mantra wouldn't even be necessary. There wouldn't be a need to remind himself of anything. Oh! And how he couldn't bring himself to tell Mike he loved his wife....holy shit! :O


Btw, my face looked just like this---> :O through most of this chapter o_O The way Brad was trying to connect the dots, how Rob noticed Mike looked different as he stared at Chester, Dave noticing Chester looking different too after he'd "zoned out"...just everything. It was awkward but kinda comical too. Rob constantly questioning if it was time to yada-yada-yada was great! hahaha


I will say that Brad pissed me off majorly when he had the balls to wonder if Chester was aiding Mike in an addiction of some kind. I honestly wanted to slap him. *glares at Brad* I did fiind it interesting though how even Brad thinks Mike was better with Chester.


And it's out there now...Mike asked Ches if he wants him back. Again, this face---> :O I wanted Chester to say yes. You have no idea how badly I wanted Chester to say yes. You're killing me! But they did kiss so that sorta makes up for it ;) Am I wrong for wanting some present day sex to happen?? Because I sooo do! Pretty please? And I don't care if it's wrong either lol


You and this damn story!! I seriously feel more and more sucked in with every chapter.

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