I Wish It Wasn't So by Penelope_Ink

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From: Esmeralda

Date: 2019-06-26

Chapter: 15

I gotta admit I definitely loved Chester's mantra when he was heading to Mike's hotel room. He was freaking out but really trying to be calm. Who wouldn't be freaking out? The unimaginable finally happened. It is a huge step for their relationship. Mike was finally able to confess to Anna. And I was doubting myself that Chester would talk to Tal. I'm glad he did.

Mike's shock about Chester's attitude is surprising. I loved this paragraph: "Chester wasn’t snuggling next to him, showering him in Chester kisses. There was zero playfulness coming off the singer, not on his face and not in his tone." Well Mike, of course he wouldn't do any of that after what you did to him in the past. Let's admit it that break up was awful and cruel, even if that was not Mike's intention.

Im glad Chester came clean to Talinda and told her the truth. I felt for her since she seems like a good person and definitely she didn't see this coming. She has been an amazing wife and I understand being with Chester cannot be easy at all. I'm also glad she asked him if he was having an affair for the third time and that he was able to tell her no. So it came in handy that they didn't have sex on the hotel room. All of this will make for the bennoda make up sex session to be as amazing as I imagine it would be. Please update soon.

From: halvlang

Date: 2019-06-24

Chapter: 15

I totally wanted them to jump each other and have hot sex in that hotel room - but this was way more in character and also made way more sense seeing the story line :D It's just that my Bennoda-heart was really happy after Mike broke up and especially after knowing how bad it had hurt them last time they decided not to be together. So having them together, happy and safe, is my priority.

But, again, this chapter made total sense and I really really loved it! It shows how serious they are about making this work. It also shows that Chester's mind is all over the place and that are the parts I like the most. Because it reflects so well on the state of mind a really energetic but also struggling person can be in.

The last part was hard again, reading how hurt Talinda is. But again, Mike and Ches are my priority and all that matters is that they fix their mistakes from the past!

From: ninja

Date: 2019-06-23

Chapter: 15

I love this nickname "Chessy" did I already say that?


I'msad Talinda is hurt, probably didn't see it coming, I hope she can get over it and not become a b**** after the divorce...

And Mike needs to bond with his son, I'm sure he can be a great dad

From: JellyfishLP

Date: 2019-06-23

Chapter: 15

Another awesome chapter! And of course did Anna call Talinda after what Mike told her...but atleast now we can have bennoda love. The divorces are gonna be hard, but now they're happy with each other. I'm convinced that Mike will even bond with Otis and see that his son doesn't hate him. For a moment, I was seriously scared that Chester wouldn't want to tell Talinda the truth, but after Anna had called, he had to tell her, anyway.

Please update soon, I love this story :)

From: mermaid_life87

Date: 2019-06-19

Chapter: 15

Sooo excited to see this update! I totally understand life gets busy but I was definitely missing your updates so I’m glad you had the time to do so. :)

I’m not sure how many chapters are left but I’m feeling more hopeful for a happy ending now. The two biggest hurdles-telling Anna and Talinda-are out of the way. I feel like they can finally move forward. And I have to second lpfan, please give us some awesome Bennoda sex? Pretty please with a cherry on top? :p I’ve been wanting it for awhile but Chester just had to do things the right way *rolls eyes* lol In all seriousness though, I love that about this Chester. I really do. He stuck to his guns and it’s so admirable. I could hug him for it. <3

Even with how much I want my Bennoda, my heart broke for Talinda. :( She has been through a lot with Chester. There’s no denying that. But, again, Chester did as right by her as he could by not cheating and coming clean. That’s a little bit of solace. At least for the reader, if not for Talinda.

For a brief moment, part of me wondered if Chester was going to go through with telling Talinda. Like, I thought, what if Mike does what he did, fixing his mistake from years ago, but now Chester can’t do it?!? Like, what if you were just setting up this vicious irony?? I tell you, I really felt like I may have a heart attack. I’m really glad that’s not the case. It would have been too much and I don’t know if I could have finished reading.

In summary, I loved this chapter. I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief and rest easy now lol I hope I’m not wrong. I need Mike and Chester to be happy. Happy and together. <3

Please update soon!

From: lpfan503

Date: 2019-06-18

Chapter: 14

We’re soooooo close now, aren’t we?? I love Bennoda. You know I love Bennoda. But I don’t think I’ve ever wanted them to end up together as much as I do in this story. You are doing an incredible job of making me feel what everyone is feeling in this story. Not just Mike and Chester, but everyone. You know that As You Wish is my favorite, but this might eclipse it. I don’t know. I guess it depends on what happens next. But this story has everything I love. Blonde haired lip ringed Chester, Baby!Mike, ATS Mike, tiny mohawk Chester, and this incredible love affair, the one who got away but who is still in reach. The pining for each other is just epic. So this might knock Devil Ches down to the number 2 spot. I don’t know. That also makes me wonder what happens to Look to the Stars, because those are my two favorite stories ever, but now there’s this and I’m confused.

Anyway. On to content I adore:

1. The way Chester bolted out of bed to answer the phone, and then meet up with Mike. My heart was pounding with excitement. <3

2. The very unsure way Mike asks Ches to come to the hotel… my heart broke for him all over again. Poor Mike was afraid Ches would say no. It’s so scary! Affairs and all this secrecy are nothing to play with. They are so emotionally involved it hurts. How they have kept this under wraps for 10 years seems impossible.

3. The urgency of Chester getting to the car, and then to the hotel. So Chester-like. And so telling.

4. The sweater. I love that there is this little subtle reminder of Talinda. Like- hey, Chester still hasn’t come clean yet. Well done.

5. Ahhhhhh, the moment at the door…. my heart! I wanted them to kiss, but fine. I’ll wait. I know, it would have been like a cheesy romance movie, and this IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

6. Chester thinking that he needed to hear that Mike willingly told Anna - so important. I’m glad that Mike did. Chester wouldn’t have stuck around if Mike had taken the easy way out. This was a critical line, and moment in the chapter.

7. I love Mike taking care of Chester. The whole “you’re freezing, you’re gonna get sick” seems so very Mike-like. The hoodie <3. I want Chester in Mike’s hoodie. That is the cutest mental image ever.

8. Mike’s eagerness - “did you tell Talinda yet?” made me shake my head. No, Mike, he didn’t. He got in the car and came to you. Give the man a minute! Jeez. Lol. I don’t blame him for wanting to just jump into instant intimacy, though. I mean, it’s Chester. I totally get it.

9. “For the first time, the idea that things wouldn’t be exactly as they were before hit Mike” ← This is also a big moment in the chapter. Mike has been so transfixed on “making things right” that he’s overlooked the 10 years. It hasn’t diminished their love for each other, but things have changed. I love that he realizes this after he looks at the reminder of where Chester’s lip ring used to be. I have a feeling he’s REALLY gonna miss that. ;D

10. Oh, the Brad moment. I get Chester being hurt, and then defensive. He wants Mike to OWN their relationship, not ask permissions. I’m glad Mike set him straight and that it was the truth. He didn’t ask Brad for permission, but Brad offered support. Also a very important part of this chapter.

11. “We’d never leave his behind” ← the line where I felt better about Chester, and that he was going to tell Talinda.

12. Ugh. All of Chester’s thoughts about his kids and Elka, Sam, and Talinda broke my heart. I’m not sure how many more times my heart can break in this story. He’s totally right, though. It made me actually think - damn, I hope Mike is worth it.

13. The whole last part of them in the hotel room - where Chester says he needs to go, and Mike’s fear that he won’t return, and the HANDS coming together, ah, this was so well done. I admire Ches for going to tell Tal before anything happened (oh please, let there be amazing sex coming after this!)

14. Of COURSE Anna called Talinda. I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’m sure it was hysterical, too. The image of Talinda sitting there was so sad. I really felt bad for her. And she HAS been through a lot with Chester, only to realize he’s been in love with Mike all along. That has to hurt.

15. I totally admire this Chester, and how he was so direct and owned his decision. I love that he can say he’s not currently having an affair. That’s so important to him. He’s very strong in this story, and I love that. I love that it came from a place of total heartbreak and despair. I hope that Mike is okay with this version of Chester. He is not the same as he was when they had their affair. This Chester is going to stand up for himself and I love that. I hope Mike does too.

16. Oh, I forgot. “You and Mike? Mike Shinoda?” ahahah, that would literally be the entire world’s response to that news!

So, yeah. I’m ready for the next chapter. SOOOOOOOO ready. PLEASE let it be the emotional amazing we’ve-been-apart-forever-but-now-we’re-together goodness I’m dying to read!!

From: halvlang

Date: 2019-06-18

Chapter: 14

I'm soooo late with reviews, I'm sorry. Trying to catch up these days!

I'm so relieved that Mike really did stood up for himself. That sounds like Anna is a bad person and it's her fault, but that's not at all what I mean. I mean that Mike is doing what is right for him and that he isn't looking at other people around him that much anymore; he is focusing on himself and Chester and that's a food and right decision and probably will safe his life! And Chester's as well, seen that he is really suffering from all the insecurity. I'm glad that Ryan checked in on him but it would have been even better if he would have just stopped by to make sure that Ches is not lying in bed, drinking. Bu now it doesn't matter anymore. They will be fine. Mike did it. He was so brave and even though I'm sorry for Anna - what she did back then, basically forcing him to stay, was wrong. She will get over the divorce, I'm pretty sure. She will realise that it's better to have a happy and alive Mike that is not her husband anymore instead of a suffering and probably suicidal Mike...

And regarding the flashback... I can't even find words. It broke my heart. It was so obvious that they were both hurt so damn badly and it was really fucking with me. So seeing that Mike isn't repeating this mistake was what I really needed!

From: derekbrad

Date: 2019-05-29

Chapter: 14

Loving this story! Have read it all in one sitting today and I am loving that Mike had told Anna...Finally! Can’t wait to see what will happen next for him 💕

From: Esmeralda

Date: 2019-05-27

Chapter: 14

I've read this chapter like 3 times already since the day you posted it. I'm just trying to figure out my feelings towards Mike in this. Honestly I don't know what to think. The way he handled the whole break up with Chester was just awful. We all know Mike was hurting as much as Chester was but unfortunately Chester was not aware of that.

The first thing he did wrong was not being upfront with Chester with the truth.. things would have been different had Mike told Chester about Anna discovering the affair accidentally and then threatening him. I know he probably wanted to protect Anna but still. He didn't even want to marry her, however he made it look as if he was actually very happy with Anna, which was far from the truth.

Second thing, Why would Mike wanted to get Chester tipsy before talking to him? that was so awful... and then wanting to have sex with him after breaking up... I would have felt used too.. my heart was breaking for Chester throughout the whole scene. I gotta tell you my dear.. you did one hell of a job with this one.

Omg this line: “I figure we can have one last go, and then I’ll be with Anna and you’re with Sam and that’s it. Fucking on the side is done.” poor Chester... and then this... “I mean, this is over and I don’t think we should talk about it. There’s no reason to. We can pretend like it never happened.”. No surprise Chester felt ugly, repulsive and just as a pity fuck. Even thought that was not the case, since Mike was also in love.. but his words made him sound and appear like cold and heartless.

The ending with Mike breaking up with Anna made believe in him again. I'm so relieved Mike didn't back off. That would be the whole end of things between them. Anna's reaction was understandable even though I don't agree with her. I honestly cannot believe she still wants to threaten Mike with his parent's reaction or worst the fans. Im so glad Mike was strong enough to stand his ground.

Now lets see what happens next.. Im not sure what you mean with 'We're almost to the end'.. you cannot be serious... this fic cannot end anytime soon.. there is a lot of good stuff you need to write. I would love to read a flashback of Mike and Anna's wedding or about the awkward change on Mike and Chester's relationship after their breakup.. I cannot imagine how they were able to stand to be around each other for 10 years after what happened between them. Please update soon.. this is pine of the best fics you've written❤

From: lpfan503

Date: 2019-05-26

Chapter: 14

I’m sorry this has taken me days to review. Partially because I’ve been swamped with real life, but also because I needed time to process it. I don’t dislike Mike in this story, but my heart aches for Chester in a way it never has in any other story I’ve ever read. I know that the whole “fucking on the side” was his idea, and Mike was already in love with Ches when he agreed to everything, but I can’t help but wonder if Chester was also already in love when he pitched the idea. They fell so hard and so fast into something more than fucking on the side that I feel like those feelings were there on both sides before the arrangement started.

Chester’s despair in the beginning of the chapter is cutting. I was proud of him for not giving into his thoughts of wanting a drink. The idea of getting away from all the emotions was appealing, but it really wouldn’t have helped anything, and I think the thought of Mike calling and him being drunk are what stopped him. I wasn’t surprised but I was surprised that he drank after the rainbow fountain walk. That was a tough conversation with Mike, so it makes sense, but I was thinking, no, no, no, Chester. You don’t need to go that way again. I was so afraid that he would start up again if Mike didn’t act fast. Thankfully Mike pulled his crap together at the end of the chapter. But I’m not ready to deal with that part yet.

This flashback, holy crap. I think I went through every emotion possible. It was agonizing to know that Mike knew he was going to break up with Chester, but then followed him into the hot tub anyway. I was literally reading this chapter through my fingers because I kept covering my eyes with my hands. I was like - NO. He cannot tell him after they have sex. Then all of a sudden I connected the present-day memory of Chester in Mike’s hospital room when he’s talking to Mike about the sketchy hotel and drinking cheap beer, and the last time he hear his heartbeat, and I KNEW they were gonna have sex and I was dreading it. Oh my god I cannot tell you how much I was dreading it. The hot tub kisses were amazing - as always - but heartbreaking because I knew what was coming. → this line: “He was looking up at Chester like he was the sun or the moon or both, and that pulled the singer right in.” ← God, I love that on so many levels. That’s one of those beautiful poetic lines… ugh. And I knew what was coming so it hurt extra hard!

→ “Chester felt his world fall away as he eased himself off of Mike’s lap. Suddenly the hot tub felt too hot - too crowded - and he needed to get out. He needed to get dressed and get some air. Maybe another drink. Definitely another drink. “ ← Pretty sure I FELT my heart break right there. God. It was the worst. Then I ugly cried all the way through them talking to each other before sex, acting like things were fine even though they weren’t.

And then… from “It was just them….” all the way down to “... it doesn’t matter” has to be the hardest and most heartbreaking Bennoda scene I have ever read. God. I was just ugly crying. UGLY CRYING. You did a hell of a job on this, and I know it was hard. But you did it, and it’s amazing.

This unicorn blanket coming back broke my already broken heart. The mental image of Chester curled up with that blanket made my heart ache.

I’m glad Mike finally spit out the truth. And Anna’s reaction was perfect. Confusion to anger to disbelief, cycling through quickly. I imagine she’ll continue to move around those emotions until she accepts it. Mike crying touched me. I don’t hate him in this story, but I need him to stop hurting Ches. So that;s next, right? Telling Chester that he finally told her? I need them to be happy together.

I know this one was hard, but you did an amazing job. I think I’ve already read it five times, and I’ll read it more, you know. I adore your writing. <3

From: JellyfishLP

Date: 2019-05-25

Chapter: 14

Yes, finally Mike told Anna! I'm so relieved. I basically am agreeing to everything mermaid_life87 has said in her review, and I can't agree more to Mike thinking that getting Chester drunk and then telling him about getting married to Anna was totally awful. It's such a terrible thing to do...

The beginning of that flashback with the two of them in that shady hotel room was great. Who knows, maybe they've actually had to stay in such a hotel at the beginning of their career?! xD Anyway, then it all went downhill and Chester agreeing to sleeping with Mike although he didn't really want to was so sad...

I can't wait for the next chapter and see what happens after Mike has told Anna. Btw, she is so damn mean to Chester/when talking about Chester.

Update soon, pretty please :)

From: becisamonsta

Date: 2019-05-25

Chapter: 14

Well that was rough seeing the break up, and then seeing Anna being so cold and hostile towards Chester like that did not sit right with me. But on the lighter note! Yay so happy that they are moving forward! I cannot wait to see what drama and more bennoda you have planned for us ❤️❤️

From: ninja

Date: 2019-05-24

Chapter: 14

Anna is so mean to Chester. But I'm glad Mike found the courage to talk to her. Now he needs to make sure things are alright with all the kids and the (soon ex) wives.

Can't wait to read what's next!

From: mermaid_life87

Date: 2019-05-23

Chapter: 14

Words can not express how relieved I am that Mike told Anna. Halle-fucking-lujah! In fact, my only complaint is how you left this chapter. :-/ I need Mike to make that phone call to Chester ASAP. Poor Ches is hurting so much. :( My heart aches for him.

Now, about the break-up...that was rough, but I knew it would be. Not sure how I feel about Mike throughout the whole thing. Wanting to get Chester tipsy so it would be easier to tell him? I don't know. That totally rubbed me the wrong way. I'm definitely not a fan of that idea. Then he's still wanting Chester to have sex with him and Chester does. :( I've never said this before, but I actually didn't want them to have sex. The lead up was awkward and felt forced. Sure, they were able to get into the mood after some kissing and touching but still...I wanted Chester to tell him no. I guess it felt like Mike was wanting to have his cake and eat it too kinda thing. And it felt like Chester wasn't valuing himself. Which he wasn't. His thoughts about being repulsive to Mike and just a pity fuck, etc are pretty clear indications of where he was mentally.

I totally agree with Chester when it comes to not saying anything io Talinda till Mike goes through with it. Their feelings for each other only really matter if they can take the next step so it makes sense to not say anything yet. BUT...he can now because Mike told Anna :D *happy dance*

I love Ches and Mike holding each other under the mirror. <3 I pictured that perfectly and that moment was the perfect combination of sweet/sexy. :)

Also, just something I noticed that tugged at my heart strings a little bit. Chester thinks one of the reasons Mike doesn't want him is because he's not pretty like Anna. Then, not too long after, Mike thinks to himself how beautiful Chester is. I loved that. If only they could've been inside each other's heads and known what the other one was thinking. *sighs*

Anyway, please update soon. And pretty please give these two a happy ending? *keeps fingers crossed*

From: Esmeralda

Date: 2019-05-17

Chapter: 13

This was a great chapter as always. I'm glad Mike opened up to Brad.. but I'm more afraid that Brad just planted more and more doubts in Mike's head. I guess he's just trying to be a good friend and is making an attempt for Mike to realize that this whole fairytale love story is not so easy to pursue. I just cannot wait to see what will be Muto's reaction if he gets to know about this. I guess they will throw all blame in poor Chester. So not fair.

I understand Brad's reaction to the confession. It was really shocking, even when Mike and Chester had always been so close, something like this is still surprising. Mike is such an straight character, so put together. Even in real life he is just like that. Isn't Mike Shinoda perfect? Damn! Mike and Chester were complete opposites in every aspect.. is just so incredible they had such a friendship. Sorry for the side ramblings, but just my thoughts.

Back to my review, Mike's reaction on the feeling of the empty bed makes me also doubt that he will be able to leave Anna... now that he is weighting on the reality of leaving his comfortable life with Anna and his son (that he slowly is starting to love but just don't realize it yet), coming out to his parents and the band and the fans and the world.. divorce, custody battles and all that ugly stuff.. that will probably put a stop on all that wanting to go back to what it was like to be with Chester. Even if that was the best feeling ever for Mike.

I don't know what you have in mind as to how you would continue with this, but Mike backing off again on Chester would add so many layers of angst and drama and I'm such a sucker for that. Also I'm dying to see that flashback where Mike finally ended their relationship years ago and destroyed Chester's life. Oh God I just cannot wait for the next chapter!!

From: Effervescent

Date: 2019-05-10

Chapter: 13

i hope mike won't back down this time. i absolutely adore this story and really, really want our lovebirds to finally reunite again.

From: JellyfishLP

Date: 2019-05-06

Chapter: 13

Great chapter! Finally we've got an answer to the frogs; I was wondering if they had a deeper meaning from the beginning xD

The entire conversation between Mike and Brad was really well-written and it even made me tear up in the end...I can't wait for the next chapter, please update soon!

From: halvlang

Date: 2019-05-04

Chapter: 13

Wow. Just wow. I thought we basically knew everything that was going on, with the flashbacks and with knowing how Ches and Mike feel at this exact moment, after their handing-the-baby-around-talk. But There is so much more...

Talking to Brad was a wise decision. Not only for Brad but also story-line wise ;) It clarified so much and Brad is really good in putting things in place and making sense of them; like Ches using Talinda to show Mike that he is happy.

But there is so much more to this chapter. One the one hand it’s the deep friendship between Mike and Brad - I can never get enough of that, it’s just wonderful and I really hope that it is like this in real life.

It was hard for Mike to tell Brad, things that he had kept to himself for so long. But he tells them because he knows that Brad is going to have his back. I like how Mike is just rambling on and on at some point, like a barrier that broke the second he started talking and than its all just coming out.

So it was really good for Mike to be open and honest and I also think that it is only fair to tell your best friend(s) what triggered an actual suicide attempt. It must be hard to not have a clue why Mike did what he did and now Brad has the full picture and can not only move on from it but also help him to manage the future and everything that is coming up.

Which is going to be so hard. So damn hard. Mike seems super determined to talk to Anna and get this right, I was glad to read that. But saying it to Brad and actually talking to Anna are two different things and I’m still afraid that he is going to bail out on it. He really loves Ches, but it is a big step. But it’s his last chance, so I really hope he keeps the eyes on the goal (which is a happy life with Ches by his side) and is telling Anna the truth!

From: lpfan503

Date: 2019-05-04

Chapter: 13

I apologize in advance for my lazy and late review. I’m tired.

1. I have too many emotions for this story. It pushes all my emotional wreck buttons. All I wanted to do when I finished was cry. And give Mike a hug. But that’s an every day thing. The hug, not the crying.

2. It concerns me that Mike was worried when he woke up and Anna/Otis weren’t home. I don’t know if he can really leave her.

3. The trilogy of Brad’s texts cracked me up. :)

4. I’m with Mike - why is Anna signing her notes? Just to remind him he’s married? Pretty sure he knows that.

5. I love that Mike calles Brad “B,” that’s so freaking cute.

6. Mike starting with the valued friendship speech. I would have cut him off, too. Just get to the point.

7. You were right. I’d built the frog thing up in my head and it wasn’t that big of a deal. Lol

8. “He hates me because he knows I didn’t want him.” ← yikes. He finally said out loud what I knew he was thinking from the beginning. It didn’t make it any easier to read, knowing it was coming.

9. I love Mike’s determination to get it all out.

10. I love the dawning of realization that falls over Brad. That is EXACTLY how a conversation like that goes.

11. Favorite paragraph: “Mike, I, I’m not sure what to say. With a guy?” he repeated, his mind struggling to put Mike Shinoda in bed with a man. Flashes of penises and sloppy orgasms and anal sex sprang from his imagination, and that didn’t pair with the Mike he knew.

12. Accidental hard ons. OMG I laughed so hard.

13. I have to say, the whole thing about Chester shoving his marriage in Mike’s face, I didn’t get that ahead of time, so it was a surprise to me, just like Brad and Mike. And makes so much sense. Kudos on that one.

14. Brad giving Mike doubts hurt my heart. Mike has carried this torch for years, and has in his head how it’s going to be to be back with Chester. It seems like he’s the only one who is totally unrealistic and/or ignoring the reality of the situation. I felt for him when he felt like he wanted to cry. I wanted to lay down and cry with him. There are so many things he hasn’t thought of, and Brad was just saying everything that came to mind, which wasn’t helping. I did love that he tried to backtrack and be a good friend. <3

15. The moment Brad realizes Chessy was a pet name - so good.

Ugh. I feel too many things. There is nothing worse than the one who got away, as we’ve discussed. I hope so much for Mike to get what he wants, and for it to be everything he wants. I’m afraid he’s got the rose-colored glasses on right now, and it’s gonna suck if he can’t cope with the reality of 10 years later and the different people they are. I’m gonna have to cover my eyes and read the next chapter through my fingers.

From: ninja

Date: 2019-05-04

Chapter: 13

"His long fingers were wrapped around the warm porcelain cup " THis, this made fangirl me very happy. And Halvlang texted me about it because we had a conversation about his long fingers. Damn, we're not the only one having a fixation on fingers! LMAO xD

I loved this, You can really see hiow much he cares about his friends and Mike seems unsure on how to deal with things but want things to go fine and just be with C. I hope it soon happens! He needs to leave her NOW!

anyway, can't wait *smirks* (add more details about his fingers jk jk))

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