Category Linkin Park
First Act - The drifter
It's called Fanfiction, so I thought I go nuts. It was suppossed to become a visual and turned into this. None of the comments about faith are meant to be offensive. After all it's 'fiction' and none of it has ever happened. I do not own Linkin Park nor the catholic church.
Lots of wet kisses and wild, lewd thank you's to Deccy for beta-reading the story. I love you!
The pleasure taken in a sinful thought or imagination even without desiring it;
“Michael,” someone called him, he could tell by the voice that it had to be Sister Caroline.
He turned around and gave her a smile. “Come in and eat something,” she said softly, approaching the young man in a vestment.
Slowly he shook his head, “I’m not hungry, but thank you.”
Always so polite, always nice, she thought while she watched him, and always so alone. Mike had come to this tiny spot of the world and this Christian convent four years ago. She still remembered how sad he looked, as if he had lost his way. Well, in a way he had, she thought, thinking about his story. Caroline never heard the entire story of what had happened to this young boy, but the bits and pieces she gathered made her shiver.
She greeted him that night and listened to his request. His words were said with a certainty that touched her. He wanted to become a priest; no actually, he said he wanted to devote his life to God. Mike was so young; he was fourteen years old, and ready to give up the life he had grown up in. They took him in and after long talks with his parents; they decided to grant his wish. He was baptized two days later and as of now, he seemed to be quite happy with his decision.
She had never heard him complain. And by God, even if devoted to God, young chaplains could be somewhat annoying. As if vowing for a lifetime of celibacy was the ultimate sacrifice. It didn’t really make this a place of belief and solitary when a huge amount of young boys and girls weren’t necessarily here because of God.
The convent was also a state approved college. Therefore, it was not only a very cheap way to get a college degree but also a very Christian way to do it as well. Some parents might have liked the idea of their spouses become good Christians. So, while one half had found faith somewhere in life and tried to suppress the simple urges, the other part made it a game to tempt them.
More than once things had gotten a little out of hand, and it wasn’t an easy task for Father Simon to convince outraged parents that it wasn’t the church’s fault, and certainly not God’s, that their daughters had gotten pregnant. While the male part in this little drama was sitting crying in front of his parents, swearing that she had tempted him like Eve had done so with poor Adam.
It wasn’t an easy balance to keep. She remembered that one of the priests had once said its like Sodom and Gomorra right in the holy city of Jerusalem, which Sister Caroline found somewhat exaggerated. Yet Michael had never slipped. And she knew that a lot of the young novices and would-be priests were extremely tempted around him.
One girl actually started to cry in church because of her feelings towards Michael, and it was really shaking him up. Mostly due to the fact that he was completely unaware of the way people reacted to him, he would have never even waste a thought about that. And here comes the strange part of Michael. He believed.
More than most of the elders would, different than anybody else. He wouldn’t have wasted a thought because the only thing he did was think about God. Or maybe pray, she wasn’t sure. They had seen those kinds of people show up in this church before but it was something unusual.
That made Michael special and a very good example to the community. That’s why he had gotten his ordinate to the priesthood so early. He was eighteen years old and was already giving absolution after listening to confessions, had already done funerals and was basically Father Simon‘s right hand.
He was loved as a faithful human being with a ticket to heaven, yet oddly cut out of their lives. Michael was living and breathing for the church and not for himself. The only time Caroline ever watched Michael doing something not for Christ, but for his own entertainment was when he was drawing. Loose sketches here and there, but she could see that he liked it.
After knowing this boy for so long, she was utterly sure that he probably confessed this enticement with art afterwards, anyway. He wasn’t judging anyone, or acting like a fanatic; he was just living outside all of them. Michael could sit there with the younger kids and just listen and joke, but he could never be connected to them.
Nevertheless, the strangest thing about this young priest, the thing that always made her wonder was the fact that he seemed to be happy. Mostly alone, but happy. He never looked sad or appalled by something. Never screamed, never got angry. Only at times where he wasn’t wearing the white collar around his neck did he seem a bit tense; more vulnerable. But those days were fairly few in the routine.
She always wondered what would happen should he remember something he had buried so deep down in his conscious that his mind was unable to recollect those memories. One year erased. Caroline wondered if Michael dreamed. She never dared to ask for more details, the only thing she knew was that he had spent a huge amount of said year in a mental institution and was diagnosed with schizophrenia.
It always struck her as odd that there was not the slightest sign of that in Michael. Whatever put him into this mental state was as much of a secret as what pulled him out of it. Nonetheless, he had somehow found faith. Maybe that was all that counted.
While Michael had already focused back to watching whatever his mind was focused on, Caroline left him, thinking that he helped her believe. Because four years ago he somehow had really seen God, at least he believed it. She was still waiting to be enlightened; still had doubts. Oh, she had faith, it just didn’t seem to go hand in hand with the Bible’s teaching.
Yet, this boy did. He never cursed, never lied, never did anything remotely in contrast to the Ten Commandments, and still he seemed happier than most them, so maybe he was doing this right.
Dwelling with complacency on sins already committed;
Michael was in fact praying and not caring about who he was in general. The truth was he was bored. No, he was exhausted. Because he had spent most of this day in the presence of other people. Now, don’t get this wrong, he of course had done so because he knew it was right and it was to serve God, but still he was rather alone.
Alone with his mind and thoughts, which weren’t as faithful as Sister Caroline saw it. Sure, he believed in God, but he also had doubts as well. He had them every day. Being torn between belief and doubt had made him more distant because he didn’t want them to know. So, far he hadn’t even confessed this. It would surprise Caroline to know that Mike was able to slip around certain problems of faith. See, he would get a chance to confess this later, it simply had to wait.
It wasn’t that big of a sin, so a few prayers and he would be forgiven, which also worked for the few times he had cursed in the back of his head. He was also far from being anywhere near happy. His heart was constantly tormented with too much thinking of what was, what is now and what would happen, the fear to indulge in sin and the devotion to someone or something he didn’t really know.
Not to mention that he had no idea when it started. He woke up one day and was convinced that he had been given a second chance from none other than God himself. Sometimes he felt something inside of him rebelling against all of his beliefs. As if a voice wanted to tell him that he was being deceived. That none of this was even real.
He never asked Simon if he knew what had happen to him during the year his mind had chosen to forget. Mostly because it scared him. Somehow, he knew that it was better to not remember. Much better. Usually his thoughts weren’t that gloomy. However, for some reason he was anxious today. Expecting something, he couldn't explain. He could feel that something was about to happen and it made him nervous.
In addition to being the fabulous example of a faithful juvenile, Father Simon barely left him with time to waste thoughts anyway. Well, and if he would be honest he could add one more sinful thought to his plate, he hated the other kids. They were all hiding behind a mask of faith, praying in church and lying about it afterwards.
For Mike it was either way. Either you believe or you don’t. At least don’t hide it. He had more than one highly entertaining argument with Mr. Fisher who did the church lawn and was Jewish. He liked that much more, at least Mr. Fisher was honest. And so far, he hadn’t found a single person, aside from Father Simon, who was remotely interesting. While he stood up to attend the midnight service, he had no idea that his life was about to change forever.
Chester had really tried to keep his eyes open during the service. He really, really tried. Nevertheless, he had been on the road for about three days without a place to sleep and he was exhausted. After a very uncomfortable incident with the last guy who picked him up hitchhiking, which ended worse for him than for Chester, he had found himself in the middle of fucking nowhere.
After so much walking that Chester was convinced the road to Mordor couldn’t have been ‘that’ long he had found the town. St. Michael, Michigan. He was surprised not only by the name, but also over the fact that he was now in Michigan, which partly would explain why it was so freezing cold. He rolled his eyes when he realized that this town was packed with the high population of 4000 souls and time had apparently stopped here.
There was no golden M, no Burger King, let alone a cheap motel. In fact, the only tall building was a church. The fact that the night mass had just begun had made him decide that he could lay his on-going dispute with God aside and find some shelter. He could barely focus on any words, and thought about adding some rock to the organ music before he fell asleep.
In addition, since he had been in the last bench on the far left side of the church nobody had noticed the peacefully sleeping blonde boy. While Chester dreamt of Woodstock and how great it would have been to live there, Michael was cleaning up. Finally alone, he thought.
He prayed. In fact, he prayed a lot during the day but for some reason he found more solitude in the quiet moments shortly after the service, when no one was around; he liked to be alone. Mike had finished his tasks for tonight and was just about to blow out the candles when he was startled by an unfamiliar sound from the back row.
With a curious look on his face, he started to walk down the aisle and froze when he spotted a human body stretched out on the bench. When he got closer he realized that the person was sleeping safe and sound. He couldn’t really tell if the boy was older or younger as he was. He had blonde hair and his clothing was a slightly different style.
His was wearing some kind of band shirt under a jean jacket and wore black baggy pants. His bleached-blond hair shimmered in the candlelight and Mike noticed that he had tattoos on his wrists. Mike wondered if this was whatever he was waiting for; not entirely sure if it was a good or a bad thing.
Mike hadn’t even realized how long he was staring at the sleeping person when the boy suddenly let out a yawn and opened his eyes. He blinked and pulled black glasses out of his jacket and put them on. The whole time he was basically waking up Mike hadn’t said a word and for a brief second forgot about breathing as well.
This now forced him to clear his throat, earning the stranger’s attention.
“Hey, man, I’m Chester,” he said with a sleepy voice.
Chester was surprised when he spotted the young priest standing there motionless in front of him, on the other hand he had crashed in a church so it wasn’t ‘that’ surprising to see a priest was it? What startled him much more was the fact that this guy was far too young to be a priest and far too attractive as well.
They are either straight or Catholic, Chester thought sarcastically, focusing back on Mike. “Lost for words now, Father?”
Mike shook his head gave him a wry smile: “Oh, no I’m sorry. I was just surprised to find someone sleeping back here. It doesn’t happen that often, despite what the movies are telling you,” he squeezed out and Chester gave him a closer look.
“I’m Michael by the way,” and he reached out with his hand.
Chester took it, saying, “Hey, Mike nice to meet you.”
And he was struck silent by the smile Mike gave him. Chester rubbed his cheek and tried to regain focus. This wasn’t really his week was it? Of all the people in the world, he had to find himself waking up next to a fucking angel. Standing there surrounded by candles, smiling at him, wearing a goddamn vestment. What the hell, he thought almost angry now, what’s with the tempting, God?
“So what brings you into this church, Chester?” Mike asked with a soft voice.
“I’ll give you the short version. Hitchhiked, dude got naughty, I kicked his ass and he threw me out. Found myself here in this weird little town with no motels. Probably best since I’ve got no money to pay for a room anyway,” Chester answered, his eyes fixed on Mike, making the young priest uncomfortable.
The blonde boy curled his lips, “You don’t happen to know a place where I can crash?”
Mike felt like somebody else was saying the words when he replied, “If you want you can stay the night in my room. I’ve got a guest bed and it’s, well it’s plain and ugly, but warm,” he offered with such a sincere look that Chester found himself wondering how that offer was meant.
Chester narrowed his eyes and grinned, “Okay, Mike, I think I can trust you. Just don’t try anything stupid while I’m sleeping.”
The chaplain blushed and took his gaze away, gesturing for Chester to follow him.
Chester was still smiling when he stood up, collecting his stuff and followed Mike through the church. A few doors later they had reached the home of the people who worked for this church and Chester couldn’t help but think that this guy lives in a church, even though Mike had explained to him that it was actually a side track of the church itself.
Inside his room, Chester was quickly reminded of Mike’s devotion to only one God. There was nothing in his room. Nothing personal anyway. Table, chair, bed and cross. That was it except for a few books on a shelf, which, as far as he could tell, were all Bibles, anyway. No poster, no stupid leftover childhood toy, no TV, no stereo. No music, he thought with his eyes widened.
“Dude, that’s slavery,” he snapped out, still shocked over the emptiness of this room.
Mike smiled patiently as if he had expected that. “No, it’s just the way I like it. We are allowed to have personal belongings, and trust me, some of the others have created a high-tech lab in their rooms, but I choose to live like this. It’s soothing.”
“Soothing?” Chester asked him making a face. “Isn’t the emptiness of the walls making you crazy?”
“But it’s just the walls. They have no hearts, no souls, so why would you think they would feel empty?” Mike said slowly, enjoying the company of this young man.
“It’s an expression for our own emptiness. We see an empty spot and we feel the desire to fill it with something we are missing in ourselves,” Chester said without even thinking about his words.
“The only thing we are missing in our hearts is God and he’s not in those walls,” Mike said quietly, earning an eyebrow lifting of Chester.
“Isn’t he supposed to be in anything? I don’t know about that though. Actually, can I ask you something? Are you really believing all of that religious bullshit or are you just pretending?” Chester didn’t want to sound that cocky but he couldn’t help it. This was all very strange to him.
Even though Mike wasn’t too keen about the subject either, since Chester was obviously not a very strong believer, he found himself enjoying the company of this boy even more.
“I do, why else would I be here?” He said in an almost shy voice.
Then Chester did something he hadn’t expected. The blonde boy slapped him on the back, threw his backpack into a corner and sat on the bed saying, “Ah, okay, well if you believe it that’s fine with me. Just don’t go all missionary on me,” he said, thinking, hell, please go missionary on me.
Usually discussion about religion would turn into wild arguments, yet this guy doesn’t seem interested in that. And he seemed comfortable around him. Although Mike’s whole body trembled when Chester, uncaring about his roommate, undressed except for his boxer’s and huddled under the blanket.
Mike all of the sudden realized he went way over his head by trying to be a good Samaritan and the thought of this boy lying so close to him was making him nervous. Even though he knew it looked suspicious, he still turned out the lights before taking off his robe. He had no proof, but was utterly convinced that Chester was watching him through the darkness.
He got into his bed and pulled the blanket up to his sleeves.
Trying to calm down his racing heart Mike pretended to sleep already but Chester just went on, not waiting for an answer.
“Are you praying right now?”
When he invited him, he was sure it was just out of mercy and maybe some obligation to his God. He just wanted to help him. Now that he whispered through the air Mike actually did pray. Yet, it wasn’t a usual prayer. He was a young would-be priest and had courageously once vowed celibacy, but it was no secret to the church that nature sometimes called.
So far it had never called with a guy lying next to him. He was sweating yet still held the blanket wrapped tight around his body, trying desperately to get rid of his erection. While Chester on the other side only rolled his eyes over his own excitement, Mike was almost in despair.
His thoughts circled around the words sin and desire and he couldn’t stop trembling. Please, God. Please, don’t tempt me, he thought and a silent tear run down his cheek. He buried his face into the cushion, not answering Chester’s question if he was praying.
“Are you? I mean praying?” Chester asked again and Mike sighed, whispering back.
“Actually I’m trying to sleep, so I guess I’m praying for you to be quiet.”
“You want me to shut up?”
“If that’s the language you understand then yeah, shut up,” Mike replied, oddly amused. He hadn’t really talked like that to someone for a long time.
“Alright, you win Father,” Chester mocked and wished him a good night.
It took Mike hours to find some rest. In this confined space he could hear Chester’s calm breathing. Only a small nightstand was separating them. Way too close for his taste. Nevertheless, what struck him as surprising was the fact that it felt familiar. Somehow, Chester’s whole attitude seemed familiar, which confronted him with the fact that this drifter reminded him of someone in his forgotten past.
It was the first time in a long time that he was getting that worked up over something. Chester seemed so different than any of the other young people here. He seemed outgoing, stronger than most of the others. His eyes weren’t filled with fear or guilt and Mike found himself wishing that Chester would stay.
It was six o’clock in the morning when Chester felt like something had hit him in the stomach and he rose up. “What the fuck?” He snapped out, earning a disapproving look from Mike who turned around mumbling.
“The bells for the morning mass.”
While Mike tried to figure out a way to stand up, reach the bathroom and get dressed without having Chester staring at him the blonde slowly sunk back to the bed. “Are you guys insane?”
“Does God really demand to be served that early? Shit, I bet he’s going: Oh, man every fucking day, I just wish I could sleep in late on onefucking day,” he babbled and Mike couldn’t help but grin.
“I don’t know, he never said anything about that. Though he says ‘praise every day’, which could be interpreted as a way of saying ‘get your lazy asses up.’” The moment he said it he covered his mouth with his hand and could almost feel Chester trying hard not to laugh.
“You just sinned my friend. I am sure saying ‘ass’ is a sin. We know each other what? Six hours and you sinned. I’m proud,” Chester said, firmly crossing his arms before his chest.
“So, what is your day going to look like?” He asked, turning to the side, squeezing his eyes to get a glimpse of Mike through the dark.
“Hmm, get up, shower, morning mass, confessions. I’ve got to hold a funeral in the afternoon,” he said while finally getting up.
Chester made a face. “Dude, where is the fun? What about food?”
“Yes, I do eat,” he said with a smile.
“Hey, can I come? To all that stuff you just said, that is, if it includes stops for food.” Chester suddenly asked and Mike looked into his own puzzled reflection in the bathroom mirror.
He took a deep breath before he said, “Are you going to stay?”
Partly aware that this was not a very good idea, and wondering what Father Simon would have to say about this, he was also overcome with the strong wish for Chester to say yes to that question.
“Well, I got no place to go, so hell, why not. Only if I can come with you. One day in life of a Catholic, backstage at church,” he said and giggled.
“I’m not taking you with me during confessions,” Mike said with a broad smile on his face, oddly surprised that this smile still existed.
He was startled by Chester who suddenly appeared in the doorframe and pouted. “Alright, alright we’ll see about that,” he said taking his shirt off, approaching the shower.
Mike was not exactly prepared to see the blonde’s boxers going as well, as Chester stepped into the shower. The thought of this man naked had a huge effect on him and he decided to make this a very cold shower. Apparently, there would be no other option anyway since Chester let out a scream and cursed, “Fucking cold.”
Everything changed over the next days. Mike had never had a friend like Chester. And since the actually homeless boy chose to stick around he was experiencing things he hadn’t before. For one thing, Chester made him laugh. Burst out with laughter every now and then. And he treated him like a normal boy. So many people were almost scared over his robe, not so Chester.
In fact, he even teased him. When he was helping Mike prepare food that would be given out to the homeless he couldn’t stop asking Mike about celibacy. A subject which seemed to shock and amuse him at the same time.
“Seriously Mike, you don’t even…y’know,” he whispered with a smirk on his face and Mike rolled his eyes in amusement.
“Let it go, okay?”
Chester was constantly challenging him about his faith and he found it refreshing to talk to someone who wasn’t completely caught up in Christian beliefs, but open to almost everything. He found it amusing that the blond, tattooed boy seemed to believe in every legend there was, but had created his very own religion.
And it amazed Chester that Mike seriously tried to follow the Ten Commandments. For he stated that it could not be possible for a human to hold up to them. It made Mike blush when his new friend winked at him.
“And the deadly sins? I am ‘pride’ and proud of it. Covetousness? Yeah, I do desire many things. Lust? Cannot really be a sin, can it? At least not in my universe. I’ll give you wrath, gluttony, envy and sloth. Those are okay.”
“But one can’t make the word of God his own,” Mike tried to reply, but couldn’t help but smile over Chester cocky voice.
“Yeah, I can. Just did. Besides, I haven’t devoted myself to the almighty like you have, so I’m just a poor soul tempted by sin 24 hours a day. But I’m allowed to fail, since failure is expected of all of us anyway. You, on the other hand, you signed the wrong contract.”
They always fought. The whole day Chester followed the priest on his daily tasks they fought over just about everything, including the fact that Mike had apparently lost his mind when he decided to live in a room without a stereo. Everyone noticed Michael’s new friend. They all were suspicious and some of them who carried knowledge with them looked at them in concern.
This drifter was not good for Michael. Not good, because they could all feel a change in their favorite sheep. Something awakening which should stay buried for all sakes.
Father Simon who was the abbot of this church had allowed Chester to stay, even though he didn’t seem to like this boy all that much. But he couldn’t deny Michael’s wish. The young priest seemed fond of that strange fellow and the company made him a little more outgoing. Simon was just glad that he at least had started to talk to someone outside the church.
Simon was someone who knew much more about Michael and his story. He wasn’t a bad man, but he still felt guilty to have that knowledge. As were the others, he was also concerned about the influence Chester already had on him after just a few days. However, he was concerned for Mike’s sake and not the church’s.
It was through conversation between Mike and Simon that Chester started to suspect that something was wrong. Mike was treated differently than any other to-be priest or nun. There was something in the way Father Simon called him Michael that made it clear to Chester that there were secrets he hadn’t managed to find out yet.
Maybe that was one of the reasons why he stayed, or it could be the fact that he was falling for Mike. Falling hard and heavy, to say it in music vibes. The young priest’s soulful eyes; his soft and calm voice, his grace and his devotion to God had such a profound effect on Chester that he actually started to participate.
Mostly because he wanted to impress Mike at all cost he had even started reading the Bible and found it supremely entertaining. Even though it had lead to an all-nighter discussion about the contents, the writers and Chester rambling on about conspiracies inside the church. Not convincing Mike, however, that the ‘real’ Bible was locked up in the Vatican and pretty much tells us the hippie message of free love and rock n’ roll.
They were getting along so well that it was almost scary. And every time Chester’s thoughts got slightly dirtier, he was overwhelmed with guilt. He couldn’t do anything about his crush. It was not that Mike had a girlfriend – or a boyfriend, he belong to the almighty, for crying out loud.
Hard to compete with that. Sometimes when Chester watched Mike helping in the service, or kneeling down before the cross to pray, he couldn’t help but tell himself to leave. He knew the longer he stayed, the more intense this would get and eventually he would make a move. However, what happens after that?
If Mike returned his feelings, it would be great but could he really shake this guy’s beliefs? For what? For a few sweaty hours together? And what if he is shocked and pushes him away in disgust? Yet he couldn’t leave. He was drawn to him. Chester was falling in love with Mike at a rapid pace; so intensely that he found himself praying to whatever God was out there to make it stop.
Since Mike had majored in hiding his feelings towards him, Chester never noticed how tense the young priest was around him. Never noticed that Mike was lying in his bed with eyes wide open, too afraid to fall asleep. Too afraid to have impure dreams and too afraid to miss one gasp of Chester while he slept.
The desire for what is sinful.
Chester had been here for four days and the only way Mike managed to get through it was to add even more prayers and take an awful lot of cold showers during the day. And the lack of sleep was starting to get to him.
From the corner of his eye he could see the sun was rising and he exhaled.
His senses were alerted when he heard a small moan coming from Chester. As quietly as possible he turned around to catch a glimpse of his roommate and shrugged. From the looks of it, Chester was still fast asleep, yet the content of his dream was, well, very visible through his pants.
Mike’s heart made a wild jump when Chester unconsciously started to masturbate himself and let out another groan. Mike bit his lip, knowing he should turn around right now. Knowing he shouldn’t be watching this. Having these urges might be natural but him watching Chester’s hand moving under his pants was not. Especially considering his rising prurience.
Every single muscle in his body yearned for a touch like that. He wanted to touch himself, just like Chester did. He was hypnotized by the slow sleep driven rotation of Chester’s hips, aware of his panting, which had now grown erratically. He’s coming, Mike thought desperately, trying to hold his breathing down.
In the distance of his brain, a voice was telling him to turn around, and it cost him all of his strength to comply. He couldn’t see him anymore but he could still hear him, which made it even worse. Mike bit his hand to prevent himself from gasping for air. His head was spinning and he was shocked to realize that he wanted to touch him.
Nothing, however, could prepare his mind or his body for the sensations that spread out over his entire body when he suddenly felt Chester behind him, breezing into his ear. “You can watch, you know.”
Mike exhaled sharply, still not moving. Completely frozen in the moment, realizing that he had forgotten every single prayer he had ever learned. He was feeling the slender body pressed against his back and his body heated up. Something in the back of his head started chanting, telling him that this was wrong. That this was sinful. However, he got hard and breathed out.
When Chester heard him breathing, when he felt the priest’s body tensing, he took it as sign. He had taken a risky step when he approached Mike, knowing that his friend was trying to fight against his desires. Nevertheless, his own hunger had driven him. Mike’s innocence just intensified his feelings. A part of him knew he should stop but he just couldn’t restrain himself.
Chester’s hand moved around Mike’s waist making his body shake. He closed his eyes when he felt Chester’s hot breath on his neck, caressing him with soft wet kisses. His whole body reacted to the singer’s hot breath against his skin. The blood boiled inside his veins when he felt Chester’s straining sex against his back.
Feeling torn between guilt and pleasure, he moaned when Chester let his hand move down Mike’s boxers, starting to do the same for him as he had done for himself only minutes ago. Oh, God, he thought, pressing his eyelids together, aware that he was just indulging in one of the Bible’s seven deadly sins. Lust.
Lust was rising inside, overwhelming him, lifting him up while he moaned out and climaxed, something he hadn’t actually done in the last two years. Not even by himself. He lay there breathlessly unsure of what he felt. Not sure if he felt satisfaction or guilt. Not sure if he wanted to turn around and kiss Chester or castigate himself for what he had just done.
This wasn’t like fighting a morning hard-on - something you could confess and forget; this was him lying next to another man who had just given him a hand-job. He didn’t even know to whom he would have the guts to confess this. Ever. Overcome with helplessness and confusion he suddenly started to cry.
Chester noticed the sobbing and widened his eyes. “I’m sorry. Oh, fuck, I’m sorry, okay?”
He let go of Mike and took a step back. “Can you please talk to me?”
Guilt and the awful feeling that he had just violated someone overcame Chester. But he wanted it, he thought frantically. He had seen Mike watching him, had realized the longing in his eyes. He had not, however, thought about the consequences. As usual, he had fucked up.
“Mike, please, it’s not a big deal, the heat of the moment, let’s just forget it ever happened,” he pleaded quietly, now also almost in tears. He didn’t want it to end this way.
Mike’s voice cracked with tears when he whispered, “Please, don’t ever do that again. Promise me you won’t do that again.”
“But…I thought you wanted this. You watched me, I saw you,” Chester stuttered, even more confused, slightly angry and scared that he might lose Mike as a friend.
The young priest turned around, looking even more handsome with his tousled hair, his sad tear filled eyes and blushing cheeks. “I couldn’t help it. But I shouldn’t have. This was wrong. It was wrong,” he said and sniffled.
“Why is that so wrong?”
“Because it’s a sin, Chester.” He looked up and whispered, “God, forgive me. Please forgive me,” he sobbed out.
The whole scene freaked Chester out. The way Mike had his hands folded, praying silently to his God for forgiveness, utterly convinced he had committed a mortal sin was just unnatural.
“Mike, please…you knew that I liked you. Don’t tell me you didn’t,” Chester said, his voice cracking with tears.
“I need to confess,” Mike suddenly said firmly.
Before Chester could add something, the demanding bells of the church interrupted them. Mike’s eyes widened and he jumped out of the bed, running into the bathroom. Chester could have sworn he heard him cursing, but then again maybe not. A few minutes later, with water still dripping from his wet hair after the quickest shower in the history of humankind, Mike came out and slipped his vestment over.
This didn’t make anything better for he looked irresistible in that robe. Instead of saying anything he just gave Chester one last look before rushing out to attend the morning mass.
He ran down the long corridors, still getting his vestment in order and arrived seconds before Father Simon started his homily. He was still fighting with his hair when the music floated through the high walls of the church. Throughout the whole service Mike couldn’t focus on one straight thought. What happened had left him completely confused over just about everything in his life.
Chester was stuck in his head, had taken over his mind, and controlled all his emotions. And the fact that his special friend now showed up at the door in the back of the church didn’t help him to focus on anything else. He felt Chester’s eyes on his body with every step he made. By the time for the communion Mike was in such a wretched state that he couldn’t hide it.
He wanted to be alone. No, he wanted to confess. No, pray. No, be with Chester again. Run away, or maybe kill himself. What’s one more sin on the account? Father, forgive me for I have sinned, combined with an almost inhuman yearning for the blonde boy’s touches made him tremble and he almost spilled the wine. Blood of Christ spilled by one of his misguided sheep. Perfect.
While Mike was having trouble holding on to his grace, Chester left the church. He stared up at the sky wondering why he was still here. He wasn’t the type of person for a complicated relationship. In fact, he was usually not very interested in relationships in general. Fooling around was fine, falling in love a big fucking mistake.
Falling in love with a would-be priest, inside the walls of a Catholic church, seemed so completely out of the ordinary that he grinned angrily while he lit a cigarette. Then he noticed a movement and spotted one of the young novices lurking behind the door. He gave her smile and she approached him while accepting a cigarette.
“Why are you here?” He asked her, glad to get his thoughts away from the events of the morning.
“’Cause it sucks. Trust me, as soon as I turn eighteen I’m done with this,” she snarled.
While she exhaled the smoke, she asked, “You are Michael’s friend, right?”
At first he wanted to say no because he had found a very big difference between Mike and Michael and so far, he liked Mike better. Michael was the priest, Mike the one he wanted more than anything in the world. He slapped his forehead and hissed, “Yeah.”
“You should be careful around him. Lots of secrets are buried in that past,” she said, obviously trying to sound mysterious.
Chester narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean by that?”
She strengthened herself and leaned closer. “You should ask him about that year. That year he can’t remember. Can you believe it? An entire year, gone. Erased from his memories.”
Satisfied to have the blonde boy’s attention, judging by his puzzled look, she went on with telling Chester every rumor she had heard about Michael Shinoda. Normal kid, normal childhood, creative, interested in music, vanishes suddenly for an entire year. Nobody knows where he has been but rumor has it that he was brought to a mental institution because he went nuts.
Although nobody knew why. When he came back he was all about God and the church. He decided to become a priest. She made a mean remark that Michael might have seen God in that nuthouse and Chester gave her a disapproving look.
“That’s bullshit. He seems pretty normal to me,” he said.
“Brainwashing. That’s what it is. That’s why the whole community acts weird around him. They know. My theory is that the church had something to do with this.”
She looked around to make sure nobody was listening and whispered into Chester’s ear, “He has been marked you know. On his wrist is a mark. It’s a cross.”
“Maybe it’s just a holy tattoo?” Chester said, partly annoyed by her. She was obviously crazy.
“Listen, believe what you want, but before he vanished he wasn’t even baptized. He wasn’t even Catholic yet somehow all of a sudden he knew the fucking Bible word by word. You tell me that this isn’t creepy,” she snapped and stood up.
Chester shivered; this really was not what he was looking for. Damn, fucking rumors. They're probably all false. He needed to talk to Mike. About what happened between them, about these rumors and about their friendship. There has to be some way that this ‘sin’ could be forgiven and most importantly forgotten.
He wanted to stay. Not only because he was curious about Mike’s story but also because he loved him. Even though Chester Bennington had once sworn to never fall in love again, it had happened again. This time it was a priest, but that was just his fucking luck. The idea that maybe something else had driven Mike to his belief was giving him a weird sense of hope.
Chester knew that Mike wanted it to happen this morning. He also knew that the young priest’s heart was in turmoil because of it. Yet, he couldn’t help but feel strangely happy because despite all of it, Mike returned his feelings.
He wasn’t about to let that go that easily.
After the service was over Mike stayed inside the church. When he was sure that he was alone, he kneeled down before the Altar, folded his hands and prayed. His head felt dizzy and he was shaking. Shaking with fear, fear of something he couldn’t remember. He prayed, blamed and complained to God at the same time, feeling something inside surfacing. Memories.
Just blurry, to far away in the distance of his mind, but close enough to get a sense of them. He closed his eyes and his mind searched for a psalm. One was stuck and he was overcome with emotions while he started to repeat the words in his head. He never knew why his unconciousness always comes up with that particular psalm. How could he, when he cannot even remember ever reading it in the actual bible? Somehow, he had learned it and it always comes back.
1: In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.
2: Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me.
3: Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress.
4: Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.
5: For thou art my hope, O Lord GOD: thou art my trust from my youth.
6: By thee have I been holden up from the womb: thou art he that took me out of my mother's bowels: my praise shall be continually of thee.
7: I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge.
8: Let my mouth be filled with thy praise and with thy honour all the day.
9: Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth.
10: For mine enemies speak against me; and they that lay wait for my soul take counsel together,
11: Saying, God hath forsaken him: persecute and take him; for there is none to deliver him.
12: O God, be not far from me: O my God, make haste for my help.
13: Let them be confounded and consumed that are adversaries to my soul; let them be covered with reproach and dishonour that seek my hurt.
14: But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more.
15: My mouth shall shew forth thy righteousness and thy salvation all the day; for I know not the numbers thereof.
16: I will go in the strength of the Lord GOD: I will make mention of thy righteousness, even of thine only.
17: O God, thou hast taught me from my youth: and hitherto have I declared thy wondrous works.
18: Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come.
19: Thy righteousness also, O God, is very high, who hast done great things: O God, who is like unto thee!
20: Thou, which hast shewed me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, and shalt bring me up again from the depths of the earth.
21: Thou shalt increase my greatness, and comfort me on every side.
22: I will also praise thee with the psaltery, even thy truth, O my God: unto thee will I sing with the harp, O thou Holy One of Israel.
23: My lips shall greatly rejoice when I sing unto thee; and my soul, which thou hast redeemed.
24: My tongue also shall talk of thy righteousness all the day long: for they are confounded, for they are brought unto shame, that seek my hurt.
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