I don't want to feel this way, no...

I don't want to say I'm just a friend...

--Absence of the Sun : Duncan Shiek

Disclaimer: I don't own Linkin Park... as well as the lyric here, it's 'With You' from their album 'Hybrid Theory'

This is my first Linkin Park Fic... so.. uh nevermind, please read and review ~^_^~

Mild Slash between Mike and Chester. The rating is PG-13... I don't think it will rise... ^^'

The Way We Feel

by kiba kai

Chester's POV

Here I am, sitting in our messy little studio with the world's famous emcee Michael Kenji Shinoda. I really want to get up and get some air outside or rather lying all alone in the shit hole I called home than being here with him. He's talking... about something but I'm not sure; I don't want to hear it though. His eyes are focused on the paper, scratching some words on it. His inferno red hair is spiked up perfectly. His lips are moving to form some sentences but I don't pay attention to his voice, I am just fascinated watching the way they move. I notice that he repeats a certain word a couple of times before he waves his hand back and forth in front of me.

"Chester?" Shit.

"What?" I snap back, acting annoyed.

He sighs "I'm asking what you think of these phrases?" and he jerks the paper in front of me like he is demanding my attention... which he’s already got.

I woke up in a dream today

to the cold of the static

and put my cold feet on the floor

Forgot all about yesterday

remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore

A little taste of hypocrisy

and I'm left in the wake of the mistaken, slow to react

It’s kind of a good opening... talking about hypocrisy? I read on until last two sentences hit me.

Even though you're so close to me

you're still so distant and I can't bring you back

I raise an eyebrow. Is he talking about someone in particular, since we always write the lyrics base on ourselves and tune them down for everyone to understand. I mindlessly sway my lip ring from side to side, debating whether should I ask him or not.

"Well?" He breaks the silence after a very long pause; it's obvious that I should finished reading.

"I'm reading." What an ass I am.

"Chester, we don't have all night..."

That's it, my chance. "I'm going home, then." Saying no more, I grab my jacket and reach for the door.

~*~*~*~*~

Mike's POV

What is he thinking? For over an hour we're working on our next song's idea but he doesn't speak a word. He just sits here but it seems like his mind is else where. He just stared... I'm not sure if he's staring at me; it’s probably more likely he just looks blankly ahead and I just happen to be an object in his eyesight.

I don't even know what am I talking about but... as long as it keeps him here with me. Yeah, with me... I just want to fool myself that he's with me, is that a problem? The only thing that occupies my mind, no matter whether it’s day or night for over a year now, is one of my best friends and a bandmate, is that also a problem?

Chester, he's the hard one to understand... sometimes he can be a pain in the ass; he talks shit about this and that, he yells whenever something's wrong. To sum it up, he always keeps everybody on their toes. But I can't help thinking about sometimes when he's really nice... it's like he can light up the world just by snapping his fingers; when he says something to you... something that would be just a plain word from anybody, but when it comes from Chester Bennington... you will feel special, very very special.

I have an idea for our song... actually it isn't just the song, it's me. Me. Mike Shinoda. My phrases talk about what I am for the past several days. I call out to him. Once, twice... before he really looks at me. Damn him. I want attention. I want his attention.

I tell him to read my phrases but he doesn't concentrate on it, I can tell.

I watch him while he's reading it; his bleach blond hair is neatly done, I bet he spends a lot of time getting it spiked just right. His glasses are on the bridge of his nose. He frowns and makes a little pout. He always pouts and plays with his lip ring when thinking about something, it's his habit but he doesn't even know.

Unfortunately, I’m snapped out of my thoughts. I hear Brad's voice in my head, he reminds me that we have to get something done tonight. Chester has been so quiet lately, he doesn't talk or joke around anymore; no greeting, no pranking, no laughing... the worst thing is... it's like he wants to avoid us. He would excuse himself to go home whenever he gets a chance, since when did he start to become a family man?

I know, I know. He has a wife, a very lovely wife waiting for him at home. Samantha. Samantha, I don't know why this name alone can piss me off, but it does.

He really doesn't read it when I ask him. The next thing I know is he's leaving.

I'm shock when he walks away in the middle of our work. He's been doing this a lot recently that's why our song doesn't go anywhere. I have no idea what's wrong with him... I wish he'd tell me.

~*~*~*~*~

Chester's POV

Free at last. I hear him call my name but I don't care. I want to be alone. I need to be alone. Does anybody notice that I act strangely around him? I guess not. It isn't everyday your friends start debating about your sexual preference and who should I get it on with. I sigh. It’s kinda cold outside and my sheer sweater doesn’t help much. I have to walk 5 blocks to get to my apartment, better start now or I will freeze my ass off.

When I begin to walk, there's suddenly a warm hand touching my shoulder. I turn back. It's him. He wears only T-shirt but holds out rather thick jacket for me. I only stare at him. Why does he have to be such a nice guy. He sighs softly, not in the frustrated way, and puts the jacket over my shoulders but he doesn't let go of his hands from my shoulder. Suddenly the coldness doesn't get to me anymore.

He looks at me with somewhat sadness in his eyes, what's wrong with him? "Chester, I don't know why you're so ... distant to me. I mean, you're not the same. We used to talk about everything, right... what changed that?" He says without leaving eye contact from me. Does he worry about me? I allow myself to feel a little bit of happiness that at least he cares... but I shouldn't do that too often, it will only hurt me in the end.

"It's nothing, Mike..." Looks like he isn't going to buy that. "I just have to sort something out. I'll tell you when I'm ready. Just give me a little more time." I don't actually lie, I have to sort out my feelings for him but I'm not sure if I’m really going to tell him. He nods slowly. He knows he can't force me to say something I don't want. He never did.

~*~*~*~*~

Mike's POV

I call out to him. He doesn’t answer. I follow him out the door but not before I grab my jacket, he may need it. I really want to know what's bothering him. Is it about the band? Is it about Sam? I can't think of much possibility right now, I'm too worried.

I catch him before he goes anywhere. We say nothing, I can only hand him my jacket but he looks back and forth between it and me. He looks so... lost, so confused. I know by now that he has a serious issue, I doubt whether he will open up for me.

His body's trembling from the cold but it seems like he doesn't want to receive anything similar to sympathy, just like that... I know him so well because we're talking about Chester Bennington... I've never ever cared about somebody like this, not even Anna, my ex-girlfriend. Instead of waiting for him to take my jacket, I put it over his shoulder... drawing him closer. He has to know that he can still have me whenever he wants.

Whatever he wants.

~*~*~*~*~

Chester's POV

Instead of pressing me for an answer, he pulls me into a loose embrace and I think my heart skips a beat. His hands are at my waist and he rests his forehead on my shoulder, breathing deeply. All I want to do is to whisper something in his ear, something that I've been craving to tell him for years. The closeness that’s less than an inch apart from my trembling lips is calling me... tell him and it'll be over. All over.

I close my eyes and speak soundlessly those three little words... I desperately want to say it out loud but I just can't.

He turns his head a little and says... "Promise you’ll tell me soon?"

I can feel his warm breath against my neck. One of his hands moves up to my upper back, patting me lightly. His touch is so gentle but God, it hurts. It hurts me inside... so bad. I feel my eyes welling up, there's no way I'm going to let myself cry over him for no reason. I push him lightly, signaling him to let go no matter how much I want to stand there like that forever... pretending he's mine to hold.

I separate myself from his embrace and the coldness welcomes me once again. "I promise." I don't wait for him to react, I just leave him.

I keep walking along the cold, deserted pavement. Is tonight is the coldest night of the year or is it just me? Does the street get longer by the minute or is it just my imagination? I hug myself and move on.

~*~*~*~*~

Mike's POV

I can't figure out the better way of giving comfort other than this. I think vice versa, putting myself in his place. What would I want in this situation... if I have no way out and have only one of my best friends standing in the dark cold night like this, what do I want from him?

I'd say I want his warmness, his closeness, his encouragement, his... everything.

I want to be close to him... but that's just me. Maybe I'm not giving him comfort... I'm taking it from him.

Does anyone know how much the pain hurts, especially when he's walking away from you... without looking back? I feel like I'm no one for him. Am I that worthless?

I feel like I'm losing something.

To be Continued...

Kai: What about this? Any good? You know review=fuel, right? *wink* ~^_^~

Edited by : Kel! [Lally] Thanks so much! *hug*