LPfiction

Category Linkin Park

30 Minutes by Walking_Paradox

30 Minutes

A/N: Well. Hello hello! Small little standalone I’ve written a month ago after listening to the T.a.T.u song '30 minutes'. Decided to post it here. This is, let’s say, a compensation for the next chapter of SD, which I promised it would be up by this week, but because I am a lazy ass, I didn’t post (or finish). Hope this makes up for it though *flutters eyelashes* Hugs to Jay, Claudia and Andreea, my Romanian sis, lol. *hugglez*

Disclaimer: I own Rob who’s tied to my bed. The rest, just hang around for the free food :)


~30 minutes~

by Walking Paradox


Mama, Papa forgive me

Out of sight, out of mind

Out of time to decide

Do we run? Should I hide

For the rest of my life

Can we fly? Do we stay?

We could lose we could fail

And the more minute takes

To make plans, or mistakes


‘Phoenix, Arizona train arriving in 30 minutes.’


I look at the blurry image of the abandoned train station, running my hand over my eyes, wiping the river of tears that keep falling over my pale skin. I sigh and close my eyes, leaning over the wall, where I’ve been sitting for the past hour, crouched down on the floor and probably looking like the last human being.


I feel like the last human being.


As I sit here, cold, hungry, your image comes into my mind. Your smile, your eyes, you. I feel a sob shake my body and I shake my head trying to forget everything. Forget the past, forget you, forget everything that has happened to me for the past months.


To forget.

I’ve lost that privilege a long time ago. When I met you. When I fell in love with your every move. With your every breath, with your every smile that brightens every room and your soul that belongs to an angel.


You were my God given gift. You were supposed to protect me, love me. But I did exactly the opposite to you.


I broke you.


You weren’t happy. I just couldn’t see it. I was just too tied up with myself to see your needs. To see your struggle. To see the things that you really wanted. But I never did ask, did I? I regret that now. I regret not seeing your inner struggle.


But you were never the kind of person to let others see your hurt.


But I was supposed to know. I was the first person that was supposed to see all those things. But all I did see was myself. I may have looked like I didn’t care. But I did care. I cared about you more than I cared about myself. I just didn’t pay attention.


I didn’t pay attention.


And now, my beautiful angel, you ran away. You stretched your scabbed wings and flew away from me. You left me there, left me to see my mistakes. Left me to cry out every time you came to my mind. You hid away from me.


I never knew I hurt you that much.


But it seems that I never knew many things.


I still don’t.


So I hide. I hide away from you, although I’m sure you’ll never search for me. Why would you after all I’ve put you through? I don’t even deserve you to look at me. I don’t even deserve to have all these memories about you.


I was given the opportunity to make plans. I was given a gift and I threw it out the window. I never was good at keeping people close to me. I never did trust people. But you… You were different. You struggled to get me close to your heart and you struggled to get to mine. And when I finally let you in, I betrayed you. I made you suffer after all the things you had done for me.


I went through some tough things in my life but you were the one to take me out of that crystal wall I had placed around myself and you managed to make me trust people. You trusted me when no one even looked at me. You gave me the opportunity to achieve my dreams.


And I hurt you.


I had the opportunity to make a good life.


But I made a mistake.


Carousels in the sky

That we shape with our eyes

Under shade silhouettes, casting

shapes, crying rain.


A light breeze passes over my body, and I shiver as I feel the cold run through me


I was never cold when you were around. I was never ill. I always had a motive to smile. But now I just feel like everything is pushing over me. My chest hurts with every heart beat and I can barely see right. My eyes are red and they sting and every breeze can knock me over.


But now you offer somebody else your protection.


Him.


You two were always the ones you’d see joking around. Where ever you were, he was sure to be. But I never thought he’d take you away from me. I never thought he’d have the power to take it that far. He was always the quiet and shy guy, he never talked that much, and he was always the one that you’d never expect.


The one I never expected.


He took you away from me. He gave you the love I was too afraid to show. And when I did, it was too late.


I never meant to make you choose. I never meant to make you cry. I was just afraid of loosing you. But I never thought about you. I always thought about how he stole you from me.

But… I never had you.


You were mine in my dreams. We were always the perfect couple in my little world.

We were always the ones that seemed to be the best friends. But I always wanted more. And I had you in my own little world. I always had you as my soul mate in the thoughts I had created for myself. You were mine.


I created our perfect little world. I shaped it into everything I ever wanted.


And then you came that night and told me you were in love.

With him.


I can still see the look on your face when I got up and stormed out of the hotel room. I walked away from you when you came to me with all your trust. I went missing for a day.

When I came back, after spending the night in all kinds of bars I don’t even remember anymore, you were there. Waiting for me. But he was there too.


And that’s when it started.


I made you choose. I tried everything to get you to choose. I made you split in two. But you couldn’t do it.


You two were just… made for each other.

And there was no room for a third one. There was no room for the obsessed one.


I still regret that night when you came at my door, tears down your cheeks, telling me between sobs that you were sorry, that you never meant for this to happen.


I should have realized then that you were just too weak to choose.


But I didn’t.


You trusted me when you came to me. You trusted me when I put my arm around you and held you like that until you calmed down. You trusted me when I stayed with you on the couch, your head on my shoulder, fingers entangled in the material of my shirt.


But I didn’t think about you.


I just thought of the way our bodies fitted perfectly. I just thought of the sensation of my fingers playing with your red and black spikes. I let your scent invade my senses and my hands run down your tanned arms.


You cried, begged me not to let that happen. You cried as my hands traveled down your bare back, and my mouth tasted every inch of your body.

As my nails dug into your skin, leaving read traces, you pleaded me with your eyes.


You were too weak to protest. You kissed me back. You let your fingers intertwine with mine. You let your moans invade the room, shivering at every connection my body made with yours.


But I didn’t bother about your sobs and your tears. I bothered about myself.


I woke up the next morning with an empty feeling in my stomach. You were there, crying. That’s when I finally realized it.


I wasn’t making my dream come true. I was destroying yours.


Can we fly, do I stay

We could lose, we could fail

Either way, options change

chances fail, Trains derail


That’s when you left me. Not like you did before. This time, you were never going to come back. You left and went to him. You begged him like you begged me. You cried and told him everything. You told him you loved him.

And he listened to you. He wasn’t like me. He wasn’t going to destroy you. Because you loved him. You loved him and not me.


And he loved you too. He lovedyou.


I transformed you into a game of chance. But there were no winners or losers here. There were just players. Too many players for one person to handle. And I was the one that had the chance to put a stop to it, and I didn’t.


I started to hate you and hate him. You because you ran away from me. Because that night was just a mistake for you, when it meant the world to me. And him, because he took you away from me. Because he accepted you back after all you had done.

I hated both of you.

I wanted you both to disappear and I wanted to run away. I wished I could erase everything and just live my life without you and without him. But that was one thing I couldn’t do.


I turned that gun around just in time. I was ready to put a stop to you and him for ever.


But I didn’t.


I wanted to point those two silver bullets at you. I wanted you to cry out my name in your last second. I wanted my face to be the last thing he saw. I wanted everyone to pay for what they did to me. To let him know that he deserved to die.


But I didn’t.


I drooped the gun when your eyes made contact with mine. You looked at the gun and at me, pure shock on your face. But when I saw you, it didn’t bring the satisfaction it was supposed to. It didn’t make me feel better to see him staring at me in horror. It didn’t bring any satisfaction to see the silvery gun shine, my finger putting the least pressure on the trigger.


It just made my heart crumble right under your eyes.


The sound of metal making contact with the cold floor as the gun fell from my fingers told me everything. I felt my whole past flash before me. I felt myself going weak in the knees as I turned around, tear blurring my vision.


And I ran.

There was just one more option for me. I failed my chance.


You…

You were always my life. You still are. But I was the opposite to you. I was your death. I was the one that made your life a living hell. I made your pre destined wonderful life turn out the way it did.


So I left. You deserve more than this. You always deserved much more than I had to offer. You were supposed to find your perfect soul mate and live happily ever after, in a nice house with white picket fence and a dog running around and shaking its tail. You deserved him and not me. You deserved his arms around you and his breath on your skin.


I open my eyes as I hear the announcement for my train.


Thirty minutes have passed.


Thirty minutes for me to decide what’s best for us both. But I still hope as soon as I get up I’ll feel your arms around my waist and you whispering soft words to me. You would tell me everything was over. You would tell me this train station is just a dream and that the past is just unreal.

But when I look around you’re not here. Instead of your warmth I am greeted with the cold night wind. Instead of you dark eyes starring into mine, I can only see long shadows cast from the light a few feet away from me. Instead of your arms around me, I feel the rough fabric of my jacket over my skin.


I sigh when the train stops in the station, smoke and steam covering the ground.

As I move away from the wall, I feel my back hurting. I take a deep breath, and let the night air fill my lungs, before I take the first step towards the train.


You’re not here. You’re not here telling me to come home.


Just because I couldn’t decide when the moment came. I was too scared to try. I was too frightened of deception. And then, I was too scared to lose you.


But there’s something I should have realized earlier.


I never had you, to lose you.


As my hand connects with the cold metal bar of the train door, I stop in front of the first step.


30 minutes, the blink of the night

30 minutes to all of our lives

30 minutes to make up my mind

30 minutes to finally decide


I turn my head to my right feeling a pair of eyes on me.

I feel my blood freeze in my veins when I see your silhouette in the dark. Your eyes make contact with mine. You’re a few feet away from me. As I look at you, I see a tear running down your face, and the sight just sends a deep pain through my chest. We both stay like that for a few stretched seconds, none of us wanting to be the first to talk. None of us wanting to change the future.


But then my world crashes around me, as I see another silhouette next to you. He places a hand on your shoulder and you look at him, before turning your attention to me again. A haunted look passes through your eyes as your vision connects again with me.


He’ll always be the one you’ll be looking at first. He’ll always be the one you’ll go to. He’ll always be number one in your heart.


As I look at you both I sigh, a shudder running through my body.


30 minutes to whisper your name

30 minutes to show her the blame

30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies

30 minutes to finally decide


“I’m sorry,” I whisper into the air. I look up at you. “I’m so sorry Mike,” I say a little bit louder, feeling like the words get lost into the darkness that surrounds us. But I know you hear them. I know it by the look in your eyes as the words leave my mouth, I know by the way he squeezes your shoulder lightly.


“Chester, please-“ You try to say something but I lift my hand up. The last words seem to echo into the distance, and I close my eyes, knowing they are the last words I’ll ever hear from you.


“Just don’t,” I manage to whisper.


I look at him. And then I see him like it’s for the first time. I see him. I see he deserves you more than I do. And you deserve better than me.


“Rob,” I say, and pause, letting that name linger in memory for a few moments, “Take care of him for me, will you?” I ask, my voice breaking in the last minute. He nods. I turn my eyes away when you place your hand over his.


I finally took the blame for what I’ve done. And I finally managed to decide.


I look at you one last time and smile. For the first time in a year I manage to smile. Not because of you and not because of me. Because your happiness. Because you’ll always be happy from now on.

You finally got what you needed after so much pain.

And I finally managed to realize what was the best for you.


So I smile. I smile for your future. I smile for you.

And you smile back. And with that I know I finally made my decision. Because you now can smile freely.


As I hear the last whistle, I put my foot on the first step.


Thirty minutes have past and I had the chance to decide. And for the first time in my life, I seized that change with all my strength.


I take one last look at you and step into the train. Tears start falling freely from my eyes again, but this time they aren’t of pain. They’re of happiness.

Because I managed to give you what you always wanted. I gave you your freedom back. I let you love and be loved.


And a final thought passes through my mind, making a smile pass over my lips.

You’re never gonna be mine here, but in my heart I’ll always be near you. In my little world nothing will ever harm you. Nothing will ever come between us again. Nothing will change that. Nothing.


In my little world I’ll always love you, Michael Kenji Shinoda.


And I’ll always be yours.


30 minutes, the blink of the night

30 minutes to alter our lives

30 minutes to make up my mind

30 minutes to finally decide

30 minutes to whisper your name

30 minutes to shelter the blame

30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies

30 minutes to finally decide


THE END

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