Category Linkin Park

him by Porcupine

part one

A/N: hello everyone.... this is my very first and I was feeling highly inspired tonight... hope you enjoy it thanks so much! :)

It was the morning of the worst day of my life and God...if only I'd have known. I felt great in the morning though because I was with you...we felt like hipsters didn't we? All decked out in the lavish things we could afford...And God were you beautiful...hair slicked back and shaved at the sides...body thin and angular under the oversized fitted clothes you wore...And what an effect...what an effect you had on my mind on my body...as you pushed me onto the bed and I felt the overwarmth of the room caressing my face... you pulled my sneakers off and I heard the soft thud as they hit the floor one by one. I groaned as your greedy hands massaged up my thighs and gasped when I felt your contact hit my already pulsing member. Oh God if only I could hit pause and leave it there rewind and play over and over again. I swear I would never tire of the moment because I know what's coming soon and godamnit if I have to face it again


298 days, 15 hours, 43 minutes, and 12···13···14···15


I still cry every morning. I still hear the gutteral moans of morning sex. I know when you used to lay beside me as the summer screams of children resounded outside...when we were both young and fresh angst was pouring through our veins...I never could calm down...stay productive I used to say....don't become something that could be classified as redundant because everything needed to be fresh and new. But you knew just what to do to make me eat my words..because I never believed in love. Remember that? I always was repulsed by the very idea. And I promised that if anyone was going to Fall in love, I would not be there supporting it. But you broke my rule didn't you love...there I was falling into my own trap and lord knows I didn't think anything of it until it was too late. And I was too far gone.

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I left our favorite store without buying a thing for the first time today you would've been happy cause I know how much you hated doing the checkbook at the end of the month. I was trying on a jacket and I asked you what you thought of it and was surprised when you didn't respond I rolled my eyes and figured you were in one of your introverted moods. But then I turned around. And you weren't there. And then I remembered. And the sales lady was looking at me like I was crazy

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I went out to a social event for the first time in a long time today love, it was just dance thrown by Bradford. He always has really nice parties. I remember you loved to dance and every time we did you held me the same. Remember that? Your hand would lay on the small of my back and your other on the nape of my neck. And the way your body was close to mine as though you wanted more than just mere contact.

I tried to dance alone but the people we used to know kept interrupting with their condolences.

It wasn't the same.

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Didn't leave the house today. My eyes were never dry enough.

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Can I tell you a secret? You were always good at those.

I always wanted to give you a blow job. Remember that time I tried and you were repulsed by the idea of forcing your cock down someone's throat...but God did I want to. And I never got to. You should have listened to me when I begged you with "you only live once"

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Remember our first fight? I'm trying to remember how it started but all I can think about is the end, when you said you wanted a divorce from "whatever we were calling this thing we have going". And you almost left because once you had your mind made up....God help anyone that tried to stop you. But I did something I never thought I'd do in front of anybody.

I begged.

I let my knees hit the sidewalk , felt the hot tears pouring and I begged with the urgency of a man being strangled to death....because that's what it felt like. Choking. Losing air, I screamed out your name and I begged you please to come back . To not give up on this. And you turned on me then

"What is 'this' though?"

You asked motioning your hand back and forth between the two of us, continuing with,

"..please tell me I've been waiting for so long for you to make up your mind!"

At that I clammed up. Because I wasn't sure what it was yet , all I knew was that I didn't want it to be over. And I told you so. But that wasn't enough

"You can't expect me to wait around forever for you to decide whether or not you love me. I need more than sex every night mike, I need someone that'll tell me how much they need me in their life. I need someone that I can say 'I love you' to, and have them say it back and mean it. And not hesitate. Because I swear...every morning the only thing that gets me out of bed is the thought that, maybe, just maybe today will be that day. The one where you realize "oh yeah hey , maybe I do love this guy I've shared half my life with. And maybe I should finally.... finally Let him know that!"

I could see and feel the tears hit then...a slow hot stream on both our faces and that moment as I watched you break...crumple completely under the weight I had just realized I was putting you under, I knew. I knew I never wanted to see you hurt like that. I knew I didn't deserve it, but had your love. I knew that the only face I wanted to see when I woke up,was staring back at me with tear stained cheeks and fear plated eyes. And I knew then as I do now, that I loved you. And I heard the words escaping my lips as barely a whisper and I to this day don't even know how you caught that, but your head shot up immediately, and you asked me, wide-eyed

"What did you say?"

I shuffled my foot a little but held your gaze without a blink and had no problem repeating it because now I was sure. It felt like when I said it that I was simply saying something that had been in a shell like a baby bird that had been waiting too long to get out and

spread it's wings.

"I love you"

I said again in a shaky but firm, clear voice. And the funny thing was, I couldn't stop saying it. Even as you walked towards me and your eyes smoldered into mine I kept mouthing it. Even as the sounds of summers children tickled my ears and a roar overpowered it I didn't stop saying it. Even as your mouth enveloped mine in a hungered kiss and that roar began blocking everything out I kept saying it. In my head, in that kiss, in every way I could. As your lips trailed down my neck and you pushed me back into the house I kept saying it. As you pulled my shirt over my head and started to bite my left nipple into a hard nub. My erection sprang to life and I said it louder as your hand went there. Slowly probing stroking, then gripping completely as you trailed my zipper down and fell to your knees in front of me. I heard the muffled flush of clothes hit the floor and felt your warm breath as you giggled at my going commando. All I could say was what I had said probably more than a hundred times by this point, what I almost did but couldn't stop saying because your hot mouth was enrobing me like hot wet fudge on an ice cream sundae. And oh the sweet release as I felt myself finally letting go of old foolish rules and ideas and gave into what people called an all-encompassing love. That didn't need affirmation anymore because there was no way it could be questioned ever again. And I never have

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I remember one day we were older than when we meet, but it was still far enough from the end that we didn't know anything had to be wrong yet. We were out in the street, playing volleyball, it was getting dark and everything of my best dreams were being sprung into reality. We had a home, albeit a small one, and summers breath was swirling around our already overheated bodies. I remember you smiling at me but from a distance even, I could see that it was loaded. And sure enough about a minute later, I served and you looked as though you were about to volley the ball back, but instead you caught it and held on, slowly lowering your arms until both of us were simply standing there heaving our breaths and staring at each other. You were still smiling slightly, and I found myself blushing and becoming too curious by the minute. But you were in no hurry like I always was...you let me wonder a good long time. And then I realized that this was probably one of your 'lessons in patience' something that I always failed at because 'spoiler' has always been my middle name. But I held your gaze until I couldn't. As you passed the ball between your hands I watched, baited breath, back and forth I tried to focus as your hands slowed down and I could feel my breath following the pattern and my heart slowed to a comfortable pace and I could feel the sweat drying on my body and this actually made me mildly cold because all I was wearing was a pair of shorts and sneakers and I wanted to go in the house because I could feel the breeze becoming cooler and I could see the world around us slowly darkening as a rumble of thunder sounded a little ways off. I always hated thunderstorms .... a childhood fear that somehow manifested itself into my adulthood. I felt a now cold sweat break out along my spine and I tried my best to hide it As a shiver had it's say up my spine. I tore my eyes away from you and chanced a look at the sky. And what I saw sent more rolls of chills up and away because in that darkening sky, there was balls of electricity running around like tumbleweed in a desert...a desert in the sky and the more the wind kicked up, the more active the electric tumbleweed became. Again I had to tear my eyes away from something because it was wrenching me from the inside. I felt the familiar flushing feeling in my stomach and wanted to cry that moment because everything was beginning to spin and deteriorate because there were tears in my eyes and they were blurring everything. That made me more scared. It creates an unreality when you don't want to believe in what's happening and then your vision blurs and it makes you believe you're dreaming...maybe, I thought, if i pinch myself...but the moment my hand made that motion...I felt warm hands on my shoulders creating a slurry of wetness because of my sweat and the rainwater I suddenly realized was falling. I felt your hands run down my back and up again and I closed my eyes as the grating fear started to abate. I stopped letting the waves of fear cloud everything and opened my mind to the possibility of beauty in this thunderous, electric world standing on the street we lived. I felt warm breath against my wet ear lobe As you slowly whispered

"You're taking your lesson very well today"

I felt what it means to be at peace if only for a moment....

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I'm looking out the window. So unlike me. Remembering I should be doing something. But what? For the first time in a long time I have nothing that NEEDS doing. I feel my heart rate quicken at this disturbing reality. I could use one of your lessons in patience now babe. I get up slowly smelling the faint wafting of cigarettes that'll always be here in this house from you. Cigarettes and you. The only way I describe your smell because 'you' was a completely unique thing. There is nothing on this planet that I've smelled yet that I can relate it to. But I wonder if it was the same for you ...if I smelled like something different. Something only a lover could pick up on. I start to wonder stupid hypothetical things like if wherever you are, heaven or hell, if you're thinking of me, or if our life of sin made God, whatever it is, take drastic measure and punish you by erasing your memories of us. Then I start to think about how imbecilic it is for me to be thinking about such things that have no unfettered proof of its existence. Then I start to feel unsure about other things and fall back on the couch burying my face in the pillows as the wounded flesh around the hole in my heart breaks open and bleeds again . you used to be so good at cleaning cuts I always wondered why you never became a doctor no-one could have ever made the patients (patience) joke on you cause you would've had plenty cause you had plenty. I'd really like you to clean this wound up right now love

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I can't remember the last time I've eaten

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