LPfiction

Category Linkin Park

Cat And Mouse by Emma Shinoda

Cat And Mouse

Okay, I've been working on the new chapter of Sometimes I Don't Make Sense, and I will be posting it ASAP, but in the meantime, here is a new oneshot. This is my first time writing a Songfic, so I'd love some feedback. The song is Cat And Mouse by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I recommend listening to the song before you read, but you don't need to in order to understand the story.


Hope you enjoy!


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Softly we tremble tonight,

Picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight.



It started off so innocent. Chaste little kisses and touches, they were just a way of comforting each other while we were doing tours that seemed endless. We both had wives that we loved, and we never thought our natural bond would lead to something so catastrophic. For both of us.


The whole band was always a close-knit group, but from the beginning there was a chemistry between you and I that was undeniable. It was obvious to everyone that we were a little too close to be just friends. Obvious to everyone except us, that is. Looking back, I don't know how we missed all the signs of what was happening to us. We never questioned the other's feelings or intentions, but maybe we should have. Maybe we could have stopped this before it tore our lives apart.


It would've been easy for any rational human being to realize that they were in love, but when have I ever been rational? The changes were subtle, but they were present all the same. Like how my heart would beat faster every time you wrapped me up in a hug more tender than my wife could ever give me. Or how I would bubble up with child-like excitement every time it was our turn to share a hotel room, just because we would always stay up late, talking about anything and everything, until we eventually fell asleep in the same bed.


And you; you started to change too. Little by little, the high defenses you put up against everyone you knew, were being broken down. One night, you opened up to me about the abuse you used to suffer. You were so scared that I'd be disgusted, or that I'd walk out on you, but you told me anyway. I didn't say anything when you told me. I didn't have to. When you finally pulled your hands away from your face and met my eyes with yours, you saw everything I wanted to tell you. It didn't need to be said, it was understood in a silent communication that only we shared. Your eyes brimmed with tears of relief, and I just smiled, holding you in my arms until you fell into what you later described as the most peaceful sleep you ever had.



I said I'd never leave, you'll never change;

I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life.



We were only three weeks into our Minutes To Midnight tour when I got the call that changed my life. I'll never forget that day; you and I were sitting at the front of the tour bus, playing cards and laughing. I remember thinking, 'this is what family feels like.' A strange observation, when in reality my family was hundreds of miles away. Just as that fleeting thought went through my head, my phone rang. The caller ID showed Anna's name, and I briefly wondered if she had read my mind.


When I answered the phone, there was a level of excitement in her voice that I had never heard before. I'm sure you heard it too, and you flashed me a playful smile before standing up, ready to give me more privacy. But when you saw my eyes widen and my face pale substantially, you sank back into your chair. You watched with worried eyes, while I was a stuttering mess, trying to hide my fear from Anna. After I hung up the phone, we sat in silence until you held your arms out to me. I wrapped my trembling hands around your back and buried my face into your neck, so thankful for the comforting gesture. You didn't ask me what was wrong, just held me until I stopped shaking.


I didn't say a word until we checked into our hotel that night. I was supposed to room with Phoenix, but you convinced him to switch with you, claiming I was sick and you wanted to keep an eye on me. In a way, I was sick. Sick with the impending responsibility being placed on my shoulders without my consent. As soon as you closed the door to our room and set your bags down, I lost it. I practically lunged into your arms, with enough force to send you stumbling backwards a few steps. I tried to talk, but my choked sobs broke the syllables into an incoherent jumble. You shushed me with assurances that you would stay up with me all night if you needed to; and, listening to your softening voice, I began to calm down.


When I was finally able to get the words out, your eyes widened with hundreds of silent little questions. I just shook my head, letting you know that I was asking myself the same questions; yet no answers were coming. It wasn't supposed to happen this way... I was supposed to be overjoyed right now, the two of us dancing around the hotel room in celebration. Instead, I was curled up and trembling like a scared puppy, while you rubbed a soothing hand over my back; promising me that somehow, it would all be okay. I was skeptical of your words. At that moment I only knew two things to be true. One; I was scared shitless. And two; Anna was pregnant.


That night, we made love for the first time. To this day I'm not sure how it happened; how I allowed it to happen. Sleeping with your male best friend is certainly not a normal response to your wife telling you she's pregnant, but then, we never were normal, now were we? When my tears wouldn't stop, you made a daring decision, crashing your lips into mine. I moaned in surprise, but quickly responded to your kiss with just as much passion, if not more. Before either of us could question what was happening, our clothes were piled on the floor and our bodies were moving as one, in a way that was completely wrong; but somehow, it felt right.



Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.



Guilt is a strange concept. It can come and go as it pleases, leaving you an apologetic mess one day, yet completely uncaring the next. You can feel guilty over the smallest things, but when something big happens, not give a flying fuck about it. I didn't feel guilty about cheating on Anna. I didn't even feel guilty about not wanting the child she was carrying. My child. No, I felt guilty simply because I didn't feel guilty. About any of it.


Every time I looked at you, I felt guilt crash down on me. My conscience had all but abandoned Anna. Abandoned everything back home. All I could think about was you. I know you felt the same way, but you ignored it, keeping your distance from me for the sake of saving both our marriages. After that night, we didn't share a hotel room again for the rest of the tour, and you made sure we were never alone together. It hurt like hell, but I couldn't be so selfish as to ask you to keep cheating on your wife.


It's funny how, when I was younger, I used to daydream all the time about marrying a beautiful girl, having a nice house, and starting a family. Only, now that I had all those things, I found I really didn't want them after all. I was supposed to be happy. This was supposed to be my dream life. This was everything I had ever worked for, but I just felt suffocated by it. I didn't want to go home, didn't want to see Anna. I just wanted to stay on tour forever, with you and the guys, where I would never have to face the responsibility of being a father. I wanted you, but I knew somewhere in my mind that I could never have you.


The rest of the tour passed by in a blur. I was hardly aware of the passage of time. I was just waiting, and I didn't even know what in the hell I was waiting for. I learned to cherish those one-armed hugs we gave each other onstage, because contact with you was the only thing that could alleviate the emptiness I felt. Every night, I would wait for the show to be over, just for that one moment of closeness. It seemed to last forever, but at the same time, it was never enough. I began to crave you. A craving more addictive than drugs or alcohol could ever produce, it consumed all of my thoughts and desires. I never told you any of this. You made it very clear that you had chosen Talinda over me, and I didn't want to make that choice even more difficult for you.



Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

You said, you said that you would die for me...



By the time the tour ended, Anna was six months pregnant. I thought that once I got home everything would return to normal. If anything, it got worse. On the outside, we may have looked like a happy couple, eagerly awaiting the arrival of our first child. But in reality, that was the furthest thing from the truth. My heart felt dead. Sucked dry of any possible fondness towards Anna and the bundle she was carrying. I tried to hide it, and for awhile it worked. But slowly, she started to notice that things weren't the same. So I made excuses. Oh, I became so good at dodging her questions. I told her I was tired, or stressed over the new album. And every time, she would nod her head with a sad smile, leaving me to my devices until she could work up the courage to ask me again.


The day Otis was born, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't stop pacing for the entire eight hours Anna was in labor. I could hardly stand to be in the room with her, hearing her screams, when I felt like screaming myself. I found myself wishing there was a way to push the baby back in until a later date, when I would be more prepared. Though, looking back on it, I don't think I would've ever been prepared enough.


You and Talinda met us at the hospital as soon as you heard that Anna was out of labor. You entered our small room, Talinda squealing in excitement and rushing to Anna's bedside to see our little Otis. But you immediately pulled me out of the room, recognizing the intense fear shadowed in my features. It might not have been noticeable to most, but you knew me far too well to miss it.


You asked me what was wrong, and it was all I could do to shake my head and collapse into your embrace. You held me until I calmed down, one hand stroking absently through my hair, cooing gentle reassurances to me as my erratic breathing slowed. Somehow, you knew exactly what I was thinking without me uttering a single word, and the confident smile that played on your lips gave me hope that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.


I'll never forget what you said that day. You told me that I was the most caring, nurturing person you'd ever met, and you knew without a doubt that I would be the best father Otis could ever have. It sounds silly, but that's what made me want to try. For the first time, I really wanted to be a great father. Not for Anna, and not even for Otis, but for you. I wanted to live up to your words. I wanted to make you proud.


For the next year, that's what I did. Any time that wasn't spent on the new album was spent at home with Anna and Otis, trying to be a worthy husband and father. I attempted to forget my feelings towards you, and for awhile, I almost had myself convinced that I was happy. Almost. We left to tour again shortly after Otis's first birthday, and being back on the road, away from my wife and son, all the love I felt for you came rushing back.



We made plans to grow old,

Believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.



Remember when we thought that it was possible for us to be together? To be happy? We tried, we tried so hard to fight our feelings. We tried to remember that we both had beautiful wives, had children with those wives. But it didn't change anything in the end. The attraction, the love that we felt towards each other was too strong to be broken by rationality.


Four days of being on tour. That's how long it took for our suppressed emotions to fizzle up to the surface and come to life. During our concert on that fourth night, you kept glancing over at me, and you looked ... sad. I was distracted through the whole show, wondering what you were thinking. When we hugged and thanked the crowd at the end of the night, you pulled me just a little bit closer than usual, held on just a little bit tighter, causing my heart to beat wildly in my chest. Only you could drive me so absolutely insane with such a simple gesture.


When we entered our shared hotel room for the night, you pushed me up against the wall, leaning in close enough that I could feel the breath leaving your quivering lips. You held my gaze, silently questioning what my reaction would be. My breath hitched in my throat, and I couldn't have pushed you away even if I wanted to. The ferocity in your eyes stunned me, yet laced in that ferocity was a thin ribbon of defeat. You spoke two words to me, then leaned in and pressed your lips to mine with a gentleness in sharp contradiction to your smoldering eyes. I melted into your embrace and kissed you back, powerless to do anything else. I pondered your words, but that ponderance was fleeting as I lost myself in the passion of our kiss. Only now do I understand why you chose to say them at that moment. Those two simple words had a much deeper meaning than I could have ever imagined.


I'm sorry.


You spoke them again when you pulled away, and it broke my heart to hear the pain and uncertainty in your voice. We had a long talk after that, trying to decipher our mess of emotions. I think that night was when I first realized that I would do anything to be with you; even if it meant being unfaithful to Anna. The choice was much more difficult for you. You said you felt stuck between me and Talinda; that you needed us both, and had no idea how to choose. I told you to do what felt right. You just nodded and wrapped your arms around my waist, holding on as if I would disappear the moment you let go.


We didn't speak anymore about our lives back home after that. It was just too complicated, and we always ended up talking in circles. Instead, we stuck to our motto of doing what felt right. We spent most of our free time holed up in our various hotel rooms; laughing, kissing, cuddling, and learning new things about each other until we fell asleep, wrapped in one another's arms. Of course, when we were around other people we had to hide our feelings. No one knew about our little romance; not even the rest of the band. I didn't mind. Like I said, I would have done anything to be with you. If the world didn't understand, then screw them all. I couldn't even fathom that what we had together could be wrong; it felt too good, too right.



Lost in a simple game, cat and mouse,

Are we the same people as before this came to light?



But of course, all good things must come to an end. Our relationship had been going on for five beautiful months when everything came crashing down around us. We became too careless, too comfortable displaying our affection, and that was the worst mistake we could've made. A photographer snapped a picture of us; my arms around your neck while yours circled my waist, our lips locked in a sensual heat. The photo made the front page of nearly every tabloid, and even though I didn't want to admit it, I knew that day that nothing would ever be the same between us.


Our phones started ringing at the exact same time, both of us already knowing who the callers were. I chose not to answer mine. You tried to ignore the shrill tone, but after three rings you gave in and picked up. You managed to calm Talinda down, and talk her into waiting until after the tour to discuss everything. I don't know how, because I couldn't stand to listen to you talking with her. It sounds so petty, but I was jealous. I wanted you all to myself, and I was sick with the knowledge that it would probably never happen.


From that day on, you became a completely different person towards me. You looked at me with cold eyes, void of all the love and affection we had built up in those five months. Smile bright and bursting with life one moment, empty and disillusioned the next. I know now, that it wasn't because you stopped loving me that things changed. You were trapped, confused, and most of all scared of how strongly you felt. I couldn't fault you for that, but I do wonder, why didn't I feel that way? Why wasn't I scared of losing my wife? Why didn't I care about doing the "right" thing? Why did I just ignore all my problems, hoping they'd go away if I avoided them long enough, while you nobly accepted the consequences for your actions, and still tried your best to make things right? All are questions that I'm still searching for the answers to.



Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.



When the rest of the band found out about our relationship, they didn't take it well at all. They were furious at us, and I can't say I blame them. How could we have dared to think that it was okay to lie to everybody, including our four closest friends; our brothers? Worse still, how could we have the audacity to have an affair when we were both married, with four children between the two of us? Well, because we were fools in love, that's why. But that answer didn't satisfy them.


They wanted to call off the last month of the tour, to give us time to sort through the mess that we'd created for ourselves, but I managed to talk them out of it. I told them I didn't want the fans to suffer because of our personal shit; but the reality was, I didn't want to go home and face the music. I didn't want to see Anna, and I didn't want you to see Talinda. I knew if you saw her gorgeous, crying face, you'd choose her over me in a heartbeat.


That month was the most miserable I'd ever been on tour. You and I never spoke more than a few words to each other. We were kept apart by our band mates, chaperoned as if we were unruly teenagers. I mostly kept to myself. I could feel that I was drifting further away from the band; from you, but I was helpless to stop it. Whenever I wasn't practicing or performing, I was in my hotel suite, alone. It was obvious I wouldn't be allowed to room with you, and I wasn't comfortable sharing with any of the other guys. I couldn't stand the way they looked at me. It's crazy how just one mistake could damage friendships so much. I saw emotions in their eyes that I never thought I'd see directed towards me. Disappointment. Contempt. Disgust.


For the most part, they didn't voice their thoughts about me, but then again, they didn't need to. They made it very clear how they felt, without uttering a single syllable. Casual conversation became almost non-existent. I could feel the immediate dip in the atmosphere, just from me walking into a room. It got to the point that when we were in the bus, I refused to leave my bunk. And the worst part was, it wasn't just the band. The crew, stagehands, even our tour manager, all shared similar reactions. They either stared at me like I just murdered their family, or offered me weak, awkward smiles, their faces laced with pity. It didn't matter, I despised both responses equally. I didn't want their pity, and I didn't give a damn about their distaste. The only person whose opinion I cared about was yours, but you hardly even acknowledged me anymore.



Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

You said, you said that you would die for me...



You were so scared when it was time to go home. We both were, but you were shaking for almost the entire flight back. When we all checked our cars out of the airport valet and went our separate ways, you and I were the last two still standing there. We stared at each other in silence, awkwardly scratching at the backs of our necks, or fidgeting with the hems of our jackets, unsure what to do next. Not a single word was spoken. You shook your head before closing the distance between us, wrapping me in a hug as tight as you could manage and leaving a lingering kiss on the corner of my lips. Then, you turned and walked away. You didn't look back even once, for which I was almost glad, because I didn't want you to see the tears escaping my eyes. Sometimes I wonder if you kept your back to me for the same reason. After that we both made the daunting drive home, not knowing if our lives were about to be ripped to pieces.


Talinda was very forgiving and understanding, all things considered. She took you back with open arms, no questions asked, on one very important condition. That you wouldn't be allowed to see me outside of work, or be alone with me. That was her ultimatum to you, and you accepted it. It broke my heart, but you accepted it. I'm still not sure what led you to that decision. Maybe you were thinking about what was best for the kids, or maybe you just loved her more than you loved me. You told me you needed to do the right thing, but who decided what the "right thing" was, anyways?


Anna wasn't nearly as forgiving. She already had all her things packed and moved to her parents' house by the time I got home. When I walked through the door, the only trace of her or Otis still left was a hand written note on the kitchen table.


Mike, I wanted to make this work, but I

can't deal with the fact that you didn't

even answer my calls. What am I

supposed to think, when I see that

picture of you and Chester, then you

won't even pick up the damn phone?

No more excuses Mike, I'm sorry but I

can't live like that anymore. The divorce

papers are on the desk in your office. Sign

them when you can and mail them to my

parents' place. -Anna


I stayed in that same spot, my feet feeling frozen to the floor, and read the note over and over again. A tiny whimper escaped me as I realized the severity of the situation I'd put myself in. I don't know why I wasn't worried in the slightest until this moment, why I didn't see it coming. Of course I knew Anna would be mad, but I never imagined that she would actually pack up and leave. I figured that I'd come home, she'd yell at me, and we'd fight for a few days; then everything would go back to normal. Only now do I see how foolish and naive I was to believe fixing things would be that easy.


The thoughts crashed through my head all at once, until I was a sobbing mess on the kitchen floor. Like the thought that I might never see Anna again outside of court. Within seconds, my mind was reliving every amazing experience she and I shared together; culminating in the birth of our son. Otis, he didn't deserve any of this; and now there was a possibility of him being taken from me for good. I knew there was no way I'd win full custody, since I spent so much time away from home.


Taking deep breaths until I could calm myself down and stand up, I began wandering the nearly empty house, stripped of all the love and happiness it once held. I almost didn't recognize it anymore. I would stumble into the bedroom and be faced with memories of peaceful afternoon naps, Anna nestled into my shoulder while Otis slept on my chest. Then I'd venture across the hall to the home studio, and see you and I, laughing while eating pizza and drinking a few beers; our work long forgotten in some far corner of the room while we just enjoyed each other's company. You loved mushrooms on your pizza. I despised mushrooms profusely. Somehow, we always ended up ordering mushrooms.


A smile tried to quirk its way onto my face at the thought of you, but I didn't allow it to show. The moment was too somber, the atmosphere too devoid of festivity. I'd been so irresponsible, and now I was only getting what I deserved. I had two amazing people in my life, and because of my careless actions, I'd lost them both. I screamed out in frustration, the sound of my voice echoing off the bare walls only making me feel worse.



You must live for me too...

For me too...

Yeah, yeah...

You said that you would die for me...



Days passed in quiet solitude. Just me, in this house so spacious I could almost get lost in it. Most people complain that their homes are too small, but I would have preferred a tiny apartment to this near-mansion. It was much too large for one person to live in; and the massive, uncovered walls taunted me to the brink of insanity. I hated this place more every day, but I couldn't bring myself to leave it. To leave the memories it held. Those memories were all I had left, so I clung to them like a child guarding their favorite toy.


Days turned into weeks, and before I knew it, weeks into months. The divorce with Anna was nauseatingly messy. She wanted the house, the car, my money, Otis; the woman wanted everything! She could have the car and the house, I didn't care. I didn't even care if she wanted all my money. But she couldn't have Otis, at least not completely. I still had to live up to your words, that I was the best father Otis could have. The court battle seemed to drag on forever, my lawyer against hers. I fought as hard as I could for my son, but the words on the paper, stamped by the judge on our last day in court, made me wish I hadn't even tried at all.


Full custody of Otis Akio Shinoda goes to Anna Hillinger Shinoda.


After the court ruling that day, I drove to your house. I hadn't meant to, but somehow I ended up there, parked in your driveway just like I used to when I came over to work on new lyrics. I sat in the car for twenty minutes, debating whether I should knock on your door or just go home. I shook my head and stepped out of the car, deciding I needed to see your face, even if only for a minute.


When you opened the door, there was a hollowness to your gaze I had never seen before. When your eyes locked with mine, I thought I saw your expression soften, but I blinked and it was gone. You told me I shouldn't be here, looking back over your shoulder with the nervous anticipation of Talinda seeing us. I nodded, hanging my head in shame. I couldn't bring myself to tell you the truth. I had lost my little boy; lost everything. My vision glazed over as tears began to pour, my legs buckling underneath me and sending me crashing to the ground.


You knelt down in front of me, cupping my face with your hands in silent comfort. For a few seconds, it felt like old times; happier times, when we were together and nothing else mattered. In that moment, I forgot about Otis. Forgot everything that was wrong in this messed up world, just staring into your concerned eyes. But that false sense of utopia was broken when I heard a female voice behind you. I glanced over your shoulder, meeting Talinda's disapproving glare. She looked the same as I remembered, except for one thing; her stomach. It was swollen to at least three times its normal size, and I almost gasped in guilty realization. She was pregnant.


You begged her to give you a few minutes. She hesitated, but agreed. She even looked a bit concerned for me, or maybe that was just my wishful thinking. She let out a small sigh, before walking back upstairs. You turned back to me, searching my eyes through the tears for answers. Any answers. But I couldn't speak, couldn't even stop the sobs racking my body. You wrapped your arms around my shoulders protectively, your chin resting on top of my head as you whispered my name over and over, lulling me into a calmer state. Once I had mellowed, you asked me a question. One that still plays itself in a continuous loop in my brain, as I envision all the possible responses I could have given you that day.


Mike, what do you want me to do?


Your words were spoken with such gentleness and sincerity. It grabbed my full attention, startling me into almost giving my inner thoughts away to you. What did I want you to do? I wanted you to leave Talinda. I wanted you to come back to me, and give me a reason to smile again. A reason to live. But no, that would've been too selfish of me. As much as I hated to admit it, I think Talinda needed you more than I did. I couldn't ask you to abandon your family, abandon your wife carrying your unborn child.


I stood up, composing myself the best I could, and placed two confident hands on your shoulders. Even though they were shaking, I had never been more sure of anything in my life. I told you that I wanted you to do the right thing. To live your life, and be happy. Live for me, because I could never stand to see you hurt or alone like I am. I kissed your forehead, my lips resting on your delicate skin for what I knew would be the last time, and I left. You called out to me, but I didn't turn back, knowing if I did my resolve would crumble. A part of me hoped you would chase after me, but at the same time, I was proud you didn't. It was the first step in what I told you; doing the right thing.



Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.



The band decided to take a two month hiatus after we returned from touring, while you and I sorted out our personal lives. That was fourteen months ago, and to be honest, I don't think Linkin Park will ever get back together the way we used to be. Too much has happened, we've drifted too far apart. I haven't seen or talked to you since that day I drove to your house, five months ago. I haven't seen the rest of our band either, except in passing. I wonder if you still see or talk to them, or if you've drifted away just as much as the rest of us.


I heard from Joe that Talinda ended up having twin girls. I know you've always wanted a daughter, so I was glad to hear the news. Even though it's been so long, I can still perfectly envision your dazzling smile, rocking your little girls in your arms with quiet serenity.


Speaking of Joe, he's doing very well for himself. He's directing now, and he met his fiancé on the set of his first movie. They're getting married in a few months. He sent me an invitation, but I don't think I'll go. He doesn't need to be tied down to his past on such a special day. I heard that Brad started his own production company, and he's producing for up-and-coming groups now, while Phoenix got back together with his old band, Tasty Snax, for a reunion tour.


Rob is the only one I haven't spoken to at all since our last tour ended. I think he's still mad at us for cheating on our wives, which I guess is understandable, after what happened between him and Vanessa. I hope he's doing alright. I know he poured his heart and soul into the band. I mean, we all did, but Rob's dedication was something else. I wish I could talk to him again, but I won't push for it. If he needs space, then that's okay.


I haven't seen Anna or Otis since the last day in court. I've tried so many times to get in contact with her, but she wouldn't take any of my calls, then eventually she disconnected her phone. I drove upstate to her parents' house one weekend, but they couldn't tell me where she was or how to contact her either. The last I heard was that she met someone, and moved out of town to be closer to him. I do hope she's happy, that this new guy she's seeing can give her what I couldn't. Stability; devotion. I just wish that she had been a little more understanding about me seeing Otis. I would've liked to have held him one last time.



Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.

You said, you said that you would die for me...



I've been living in this strange little bubble of emptiness, and it's almost grown comfortable. I spend all of my time locked up in my studio, pretending that I'm waiting for you to arrive so we can start writing a new album. Or waiting for Anna and Otis to get back from the supermarket. Pretending anything to take me away from my harsh reality. I cling to the people in my past, but I can't bring myself to go out and meet new people. I can't walk the streets like others do. I can't pretend I'm one of them. There's a void where my heart and soul should be; a void that will never be filled, because the only one who can replenish it is you.


I've become pretty useless, actually. I can't even make myself write like I used to. I put pen to paper and all that comes out are random words and scribbles. I pick up a guitar, and it feels completely foreign in my hands. I touch my fingertips to my keyboard, but I can't comprehend how the notes are supposed to flow together. The truth is, I'm lost without you. Everything I do is jumbled and forced.


I've decided it's time for me to go. There's nothing left for me here, and I'm desperate for rest; for peace. I can't sleep without the feeling of you laying next to me. Every night I close my eyes and pretend you're there. I can almost feel you, but it's just not enough anymore. I remember, one night when we were cuddled together on the bed in our hotel room. You laid in silence, just gazing into my eyes, hypnotizing me. Then you whispered to me; so quiet that I could barely hear you, even though our faces were inches apart. That moment was when you first told me you loved me. You said you loved me more than anything, and you said that you would die for me. The intensity of it all left me breathless. For weeks, I couldn't stop smiling, just replaying your words in my head, closing my eyes and picturing the adoration etched in your features.


You said you would die for me, but actually, it's me dying for you. Dying so you can lead the life you were meant to live, follow the path that brings you happiness and fulfillment. I've asked myself many times, if I would do anything different, were I given another chance. My honest answer is, no, I wouldn't change a thing. I know this course I've taken has brought me nothing but pain in the end, but I don't think I could have lived not knowing what it felt like to love you. What it felt like to be so close to you, to be happy with you. I'll always treasure those moments more than anything else, each and every little precious gem of love that we shared in our short time together.


You won't hear from me anymore, my love. I don't want to hold you back. Just carry on, and miss me when I'm gone. Because I should've known; and maybe I did, somewhere deep in my subconscious; that the cat and mouse can never be together.

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