LPfiction

Category Linkin Park

The Twelve-Inch Pianist by BradRockZ

He Wished for.......What!?

joke 'Twelve inch pianist', some of you might be or might not be familiar with it....i dunno.

This its not my idea at all, i was surfing the net and suddenly found this!



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Brad Delson walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, is a one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.


So Brad asks Chester the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”


Chester looks up from the counter which he was cleaning and says, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”


"Wow, really?" Brad gets excited and goes into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s a genie with red beard.

The genie's voice echos, as the genie says in a genie-style “Your wish is my command.” So Brad says “O.K., I wish for world peace.” then suddenly there comes a big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with GEESE!


After a few seconds Brad walks out of the men’s room, pissed.

and asks the bartender “Hey, Chester, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”


Then Chester replies sarcatically “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”


So Brad processes what the bartender just Said.

“Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”


Then Chester says “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”


And Brad says “World peace.”


So the bartender is understandably ashamed.


Then Brad orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and Chester.


So Chester says “I feel like I should explain myself further.”


“You don’t have to.” Brad replies.


But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. “I have what’s known as 'penile dysmorphic disorder'. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”


So Brad feels sorry for him and says “Where do you think that comes from?”


“I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”


Brad takes a sip of his beer then asks him“Have you ever seen anyone about this?”


“Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.” Chester says with a sigh.


So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools.


Brad looks down, beside him at the tiny man, and makes a remark to Chester, in a whisper "He looks kinda Half-Asian...."

"you're mom's half-asian."

The tiny Man glares, feeling insulted by Brad.

"did you just said something about my mom?!, you little!!"

Brad goes to squeeze the shit oughta him.

"Stop it!, you'll kill tiny Mike!"

Chester takes little Mike out of Brad's grip, after a moment They both calm down and Chester gently sits Mike back down in the same stool.


“Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.” says the Tiny Man.


Chester says “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.


And the twelve-inch pianist takes the tiny cup,with his tiny hands and goes on “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”


“That’s horrible.” Chester says.


Mike shrugs, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”


And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it.

then he says “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Japan . . .”


And then he starts crying and says “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”


And all of a sudden there comes a big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!


And Mike, the Tiny man says

“I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”


And everybody laughs. And the pianist says “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”


And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”


And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because Mike looks hurt “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”


Then Chester says “No, it’s not like that.” he tries to backpedal.


And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he chugs down all of his whiskey.


And Chester says “Mike, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”


Suddenly Mike smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”


“Whoa, calm down.” Chester says.


But Mike shouts “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low.

So he's all drunk and crazy, and like “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”


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A/N: Chapter 2 will be up soon...

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