Category Linkin Park

My Suffering by xX_LP4Life_05_Xx

You Are to Blame

Author's Notes:

So while listening to this beautiful song by Dead By Sunrise, it inspired me to write this standalone. Now some of the emotions that Chester is feeling in this, i personally feel with a situation that i am going through in real life. So i guess that's why it made this easier to write for me because it just let the words flow out of me. I've been working on this in between working on "In the Midst of it All...". This standalone is honestly more personal to me than i would like to admit. So i truly hope everyone likes it. Leave your beautiful ratings and reviews please. Thank you.

** This is also a rather long standalone, so please excuse me for that. I'm not one to write a lot of short things.

[Disclaimer: I do not own anything but the story line and the thoughts and ideas that were put into this]

Please enjoy ^_^


I tapped my pen on the desk as I stared blankly at the computer screen.

What am I even doing anymore? What have I even become?

I sigh and lay my head on the desk. I just can’t seem to concentrate on anything at the moment. Not when thoughts of you fill my mind. Not when memories keep presenting themselves whenever they fucking feel like it. Not when these feelings I have make me feel like I am drowning and suffocating at the same time. You’re the reason I feel this way. You’re the reason I feel so fucking lost but yet so fucking found. You’re the reason I feel so happy but yet so torn down. You’re the reason I at times feel so alive but yet feel so dead and cold inside. What the hell have you done to me?

I sit up and toss my head back, placing my hands over my eyes to block out the light. Nowadays, all I hear is the same damn pathetic questions. “Are you alright?” “Are you okay?” “I’m here if you need someone to talk to.” I’m so fucking tired of being asked all of this. And instead, I just give the same emotionless answers.“Yeah I’m fine.” “Yeah, I’m okay.” “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” But instead, I just want to shout from the rooftops. “No, I’m not fucking alright.” “No, I’m not fucking okay” “And you’re not the person I want to talk to.. I want to talk to him.”

I want to know what the hell he did to me. How in the hell he made me feel this way. And why does he keep pushing it when he knows he can’t completely fulfill what I need in return? Why does he slowly keep killing me on the inside? Nowadays, I feel so damn numb. But, when I see him, my heart can’t help but race.

I get up and make way out of my home studio. My feet brushing the plush carpet as I descend the stairs down to the lower tier of my multi-million dollar home. I make my way into my large chef style kitchen and slowly cross over to the now lukewarm coffee blend that holds its place in my small glass coffee pot. I slide my “World’s Best Band Mate” mug across the counter top and pour myself a glass of the pure liquid energy. I then bring it to my awaiting lips and slowly sip it down. Taking in its bitter but sweet taste. I then sigh once more and slowly look around at what I have become.

This beautiful home was once filled with laughter and joy, but now, it’s only filled with silent haunting memories. I gave it all up for you, but you would never know that. I had a beautiful wife that adored me, but she couldn’t handle what my job entailed. She couldn’t handle me being gone all the time. She wanted to start a family, but I had no time for that. I was always touring. I was always with the band. I was always with you.

She started to become jealous at how much time I spent with you. She started to become leery of the weird profound connection we shared. She even spat countless times that it seemed I loved you more than I ever loved her. That she would never be good enough for me as long as you were in my life. But thing is, she knew I would never give up my band. She knew I would never give up you. And thing is, I once spat back that she was right.After a long and stressful night, filled with a bit of heavy drinking, I told her she was right about all of it. Even right that no, she wasn’t good enough. That no one could possibly amount to the amount of perfection that you were. That was the night she slapped me, grabbed her things, and walked out of my life. Her final words as she walked away were so haunting that they left an imprint on my soul.

“I hope your happy with the path you’ve chosen. I hope you’re happy with him.”

When I called and asked you to come over that night, I practically fell into your awaiting arms. I was in tears, drunk, and just one heap of a mess. You dragged me over to the sectional in my den, sat down, and just let me fall into your lap. My head laying on your toned thighs as you softly stroked my hair. I was a blubbering mess. This was the second time you were there and consoled me after my significant other had left me. You were here once again to pick up the pieces of my now broken soul. I fought with myself so hard that night to not just confess everything but deep down, I think you knew. I think you knew why she left. I think you knew at that moment just how much I loved you without saying it. Because what you did next only shocked the hell out of me. And even though I may have been intoxicated, I remember everything. I remember every tiny detail of that night.

I remember you lifting me up and turning me to face you. You placed each one of your soft yet slightly callused hands on each side of my tear stained face. Your soft brown eyes giving off a warm amber glow. You then looked from my eyes down to my lips and ran the pad of your thumb gently across it. Your gaze then returned to me, a look of want amongst all the other mixed emotions that must be swimming in your head. You then leaned forward, only just slightly. Your gaze never leaving mine. I then fluttered my eyes softly closed and that next second I felt like every weight I had ever held was finally lifted off of my shoulders. Your soft pillow like lips brushed ever so lightly against mine. Just testing the waters. I felt you pull back, only just a little though. And as I was about to open my eyes, to try and read your confused expression that I now knew was probably written across your angel like features, I felt you crash your lips into mine. This time with more force. More urgency. More want.

As our tongues battled for space and oxygen became essential, I felt you pull me across your lap and into your strong arms. You then proceeded to lift my body up as if it only weighted that of a feather and carried me in the direction of the stairs, slowing ascending them but never losing your tight yet delicate grip on my now fragile body.

As we made our way down my long and winding hallway, every few seconds you would kiss me. I never opened my eyes and only clutched tighter to you as if you were a figment of my imagination and if I let you go, you would be gone forever and I would wake up from whatever dream this may be.

As you came to my bedroom door, you softly kicked it open with the sole of your shoe. You then made your way across the rather large room and gently laid me back on to my silk duvet that was spread messily across my king sized bed. The same bed that my former wife and I shared. The same bed that we made meaningless love in. Meaningless because it wasn’t you that I was making love to. I can’t say that I never loved her because I did. But the love I felt for you was on a completely different level and plain altogether. You were that special kind of love that you only feel once in your life. And it doesn’t matter whoever else comes into your life and you try to love them, no other love would amount to that type of love. No other love was good enough. No other love… was you.

As you kicked off your shoes and removed your tear stained shirt, exposing your well sculptured tanned chest, you then crawled to where I had moved myself up against my pillows, near the headboard, placing a hand on each side of my head and gracefully hovered over my small yet muscular frame. You then leaned down and picked up where you had left off in the den, kissing me with such want, such need like your life depended on me to keep you alive. You slowing started to become curious with your hands, letting them roam over my still clothed body. You stopped short and pulled me into a sitting position and practically yanked my shirt over my head, exposing my milky white decorated skin underneath.

I watched you carefully as your eyes gazed hungrily over my exposed neck and chest. You didn’t know at that time, but you were fueling the fire of something else. Awakening something else just a few inches south of my belly button. You then started to trace my tattoos with your fore finger, eliciting a soft moan from my lips that I tried so hard to hold back but it escaped anyways. You then looked up at me as if I had broke your concentration and the most devious of smirks played on your lips.

For a second, I wasn’t sure who was drunk at this point, because I was pretty sure this wouldn’t be something you would be doing without being under the influence of something. But I could also recall, you had not one ounce of alcohol in your system. I then swallowed as you lent down and started dragging you tongue down my chest, starting at my collarbone and stopping at my now hardened nipple that you were now teasing with your wet warm tongue and your teeth. My back arched in a insanely inhuman way, pushing my nipple even further into your mouth and sending shock waves of pleasure throughout my body.

I was slowly panting now as you crossed over to my other nipple, placing the same ministrations as the first one. And so that the other didn’t feel left out, you gently tugged and pulled at its now raised and reddened form. I was now breathing out slow but quick pants mixed with light moans. Your movements were slow but swift as you now ran your fingers along my sides, kissing down my now sweaty chest and over my abs and stomach and stopping at the top of the hem of my pants. By now my body was quaking and yearning for your touch. But you knew this. You knew what you were doing and you knew you were in complete control of it. As I looked down at you now between my legs, you hovered just barely over my now fully erect but still clothed and confined penis. You then looked at me with a dark lustful catch in your eyes and that sexy ass smile that I loved so much. You then opened your mouth to speak and say the first words since this whole rendezvous started. Your voice was very husky sounding but just like I had guessed, the words you let slip from those graceful yet plush pillowy lips, sounded in full control.

“Do you want me Chester?”

I remember just nodding my head but quickly discovered it wasn’t the answer you wanted because you then moved up my body, almost pinning me to my soft bed underneath. You then placed both hands on each side of my head and lent down, getting so close to my ear that I could feel your warm lustful breath against it. You then asked again. In a lower tone and this time more demanding.

“Do you want me Chester?”

Before I could even mouth an answer, you grounded your hard obvious erection into mine, making me buck off the bed and into you. Only causing me to moan out your name quite loudly. I heard you chuckle into my ear and lightly drag your tongue along the outer edge, making my body fall even more into your trap. I felt you smirk and then softly spoke a little more.

“Now was that so hard Chester?” you paused, chuckling a little more before continuing, “Now here comes the hardest part. Tell me what you want Chazzy. What do you want me to do for you?”

I then opened my eyes and looked at you in disbelief. There was no way in hell this could be Mike. But if it was? You had to be under the influence of something. My Mikey would never do anything like this. You were just simply too pure, too innocent. But down to brass tax to facts, this was all you. This was a side of you that no one had seen. It was a side of you that you were only sharing with me. And for a second, this new Mike sort of scared me. But deep down, I trusted you. I trusted what you were doing. You then leaned in, kissing down the side of my neck and then stopped and took a breath before saying the next words that broke the animal within me loose.

“What can I do to pleasure my Chazzy? Please Chester, how can I please you?”

I then instinctively brought my arms up between us and placed my hands on the back of your neck and pulled you back down into a strong and lustful kiss. I ran my tongue against your already moistened lips, begging for entrance to explore every crevice of that beautiful mouth of yours. To my surprise again, you greatly obliged to my demand. You opened your mouth and in one swift move, you were battling me for space. You were literally taking my breath away.

As we continued our heated and discovering kisses, I pulled my hands down slowly, running them over your strong shoulders and down to that beautiful chest that I wish you would flaunt a little more. You were truly beautiful in every aspect of the word. You would probably even make an angel blush. And all I ever wanted was now right in front of me. Was kissing me with such force and such passion. Was teasingly grinding into my inner thigh with your thick and very hard now erection.

As air become quite essential once more, I laid my head back in my pillows and looked up at the beauty before me. Even though it was dark in the rather large room, moonlight was pouring in from the balcony window, causing an after glow that surrounded your now sweat covered body. It made you look even more majestic and truly angelic looking. You smiled down at me with your slightly puffy lips. And all I could do was smile back. I then somehow found my voice, even though it came out at just above a whisper.

“What are you doing Mike?” I asked with a slight chuckle to my tone.

You looked at me now with an amused expression. You then sat back on your knees and placed your hands on my taunt stomach, running small circles with your fingertips. You then started to play with the hem of my pants and then looked at me with a very seductive smirk written across your face.

“What does it look like I’m doing Chester? I want to please you. I want to please my Chaz.” you said innocently but the smirk still playing on your features.

“Mike, you don’t have to do this. This isn’t you. You don’t want this…” I said, now looking away before I whispered my final words, “not like I do…”

You abruptly stopped moving. I couldn’t see what you were doing because I couldn’t bring myself to look back at you. I closed my eyes and let the silent tears fall down my face. I then felt the bed move and felt soft lips kiss where one of my silent tears had fallen. I then felt another kiss against my jawline. You then placed your hand gently under my face and turned me back to face you. The lustful look that graced your features only moments ago was replaced with the most sincere and loving look I had ever seen. It was like I was falling for you all over again.

“Chaz… Chester… do you think I would be doing this if I didn’t want it too?” you said softly while gazing into my eyes. “ I know how you feel…” you then used your other hand to grab my hand and place it over your heart, holding it there steadily with your hand over mine. “ I know how you feel because…. because I feel it too.”

I stared at you in disbelief and lightly shook my head. “No” was all I could muster.

You then placed both of your hands on each side of my face to still me to look at you. I just gazed into those beautiful orbs. Wanting to believe you. Wanting to believe that the man I had given up so much for was truly telling me the things I wanted to hear most.

“Listen to me” you started with a serious but yet still gentle tone, “Have I ever lied to you Chester?”

I shook my head softly in a “no” type response.

“Then why would I be lying about how I feel? Chester motherfuckin’ Bennington… I’m in love with you.” you said with tears forming in the corners of your eyes.

My heart started to pound so hard to the point that I thought it would break my ribcage and break free. My breathing hitched, like if someone had poured cold water over my head. I just stared deeply into your eyes. And you stared just as deep back. You were etching this into my memory. Etching this into my soul so that I would never forget it. And as you leaned down and gently brushed your lips against mine, you spoke those words that stopped my heart. That melted me to my core.

“I love you Chester Charles Bennington.” you whispered just loud enough for me to hear then completely leaned in and took my lips against yours, sealing your words within me.

That night, you sealed you fate with me. You made passionate meaningful love to me until the sun rose. And for the first time in my life, you had made me feel like more than a man. I was floating on cloud nine. I wasn’t dreaming, though I had pinched myself on different times throughout the night to see if I was. And each time I would get the same pain response to know I wasn’t.

When we finally decided to make our way out of bed that mid-morning, I honestly couldn’t hardly move. My whole lower half still felt the pleasure and the remnants of you thrusting into me, leaving me with pure bliss every time. You had got out of bed before me to go down and cook us some breakfast. You even made that sinful life giving elixir, formally known as coffee, to ruse me out of bed.

As I joined you in the kitchen, I quietly walked up to you and placed my arms around your waist, kissing you on the back of the neck. You softly giggled and turned around in my arms and greeted me with those soft lips. You then handed me my coffee cup and told me to take a seat. Shortly after you served me and sat down across from me at the center island. I remember making a joke with you about being my house wife and doing all the cooking and cleaning around the house. And I remembered you replying that you had no problem with that as long as you got to reap the benefits, pointing at me with your fork, moving it in an up and downwards motion.

Over the years, things got more intense between us. We found ways to sneak around the band and sneak behind your wife. But thing is, no matter how much you professed your love to me, you would never give me what I truly wanted. You would never truly bring yourself to leave her side. You wanted this from both angles and that’s exactly what I was giving to you. You led the perfect life in front of the public eye but behind closed doors, you had your cake and was eating it too. You had her, your son, your twin girls, the band, fame, and now you had me.

I took another sip of my now cold coffee and then just set it down on the counter by the coffee pot. I leaned forward with my hands bracing the countertop. I then lowered my head , now looking down at the floor. I closed my eyes, braced myself, and let out the most hurdling demonic scream I could project out of my lungs. I screamed so hard and loud that my ears started to ring and it echoed throughout my vacant home.

I then fell down to my knees. Tears making their way silently down my face.

All I ever wanted was just to have you to myself. To have you in my arms everyday. To wake up next to you. To stand along side you like we do every time after a show and bow to our audience of adoring fans. I just wanted you as mine. Completely mine like we were that night. That night, it was like time stood still and the world didn’t exist. It was like we had created our own world in that room that night. But once you grabbed your clothes and keys and walked out my door after that long goodbye kiss, reality came crashing back down.

I then turned and laid my back against my cold cabinets. I closed my eyes and sighed, letting the silence of my house capture me in its desolate embrace. I grew transfixed to the calmness that it was bringing me until I heard the sound of my doorbell ring throughout my empty house. I opened my eyes and remained seated on the floor of my kitchen, contemplating on just letting whoever it is continue to ring the doorbell and then once they got tired of it, they would leave me be again.

The sounded echoed again and this time a soft voice accompanied it.

“Chester, I know your home. Your car is out here in the driveway. Let me in.”

My heart skipped a beat at the sound of the voice and my eyes grew wide. I quickly scrambled to my feet and wiped my face of the residual tears that remained. I did my best to make myself look more presentable as I approached the door.

I sighed then reached out for the door knob, turning it and swinging the door open. As the warm sunshine hit my face, the beauty of your angelic face hit my eyes, making me only smile in your wake.

“ About time beautiful, I was starting to melt out here.”

You then stepped in, wrapped your arms around my waist and pulled me to you. You smiled before leaning in and kissing me softly on my lips. The taste of morning coffee adorning them. You always tasted so sweet. So intoxicating to my senses.

We both then stepped a little more in so I could shut the door before returning to our welcoming kiss. I wrapped my arms around your neck and deepened the kiss ever so slightly before pulling away. You chuckled softly at this and smiled at me.

“Did someone miss me?”

I nodded my head in response and you then withdrew your hands from around my waist. That beautiful smile that adorned your lips quickly faded as you realized my slightly puffy eyes. Concern now graced your features and you brought your hand up to cup the side of my face. Me leaning lightly into your touch. Before you could ask the question, I reassured you that I was just merely having one of my more emotional days. You then nodded with accepting my answer then looked away. Now was my turn to ask.

“Everything alright Mikey?”

You then found yourself looking around my foyer , taking a few steps away from me with your arms clasped to the front of you. You then let out a long sigh and fell to your knees. Before I could reach you, I heard that earth shattering cry leave your lips. Stopping me mere inches from you. I watched as your shoulders quaked and you brought you hands to your face, cupping it and crying into them.

I slowly made my way over to you. I walked in front of you and knelt down, placing my hands gently on your shoulders. I looked over your broken form and then at your hands. Something was missing. Your wedding band. Your little piece of silver that I helped you to pick out before you got married. I sat there. Frozen at the scene before me. I looked away only momentarily as realization hit me. And then after a few mere seconds of silence, you voiced out in a hushed tone what I had feared.

“I left her Chester…”

Wait?… What?

Now I was confused. I looked down at you without words to say. You must have sensed my confusion because you brought your hands away from your now tear stained face. A soft yet broken smile graced your lips. You slowly got up, grabbing my hand, and made your way to my living room before sitting down with my fingers now intertwined with yours in your lap. You sighed and looked down at the floor, gently squeezing my hand before continuing.

“I left her Chaz. I came home today to find another man in my home. A half naked one at that. He was younger than me and well built. He was hovering over Anna as she sat on the couch in only her silk throw over. They both looked startled to see me. I had told Anna that morning that I was going to go out for the day to hang out with Brad and that I wouldn’t be back home until late. Well, I was actually going out to buy Anna an anniversary present because as you know, tomorrow would have been our anniversary. Well lets just say, that present is now sitting out in your drive way.”

You closed your eyes and shook your head.

“I bought her this beautiful red SUV that she had been looking at for months now. She never knew I had already bought it and was waiting to surprise her with it for our anniversary. I had decided to pick it up and return home to surprise her but just goes to show, she had a better surprise waiting. She had been having an affair with this guy for the last two years. Two Years?! Can you believe that Chaz? Was I so blind to not notice that my own wife was cheating on me?”

You then let out a sigh and turned your gaze to me, a smile slowly forming on your lips.

“And then I thought about it Chazzy. The last two years? You were what has been blinding me from my wife’s infidelities. And not in a bad way. You were what was keeping me happy. Keeping me focused on what was important. You were always by my side. Even when I know all you wanted to do was throw this away because I wasn’t giving you what you really deserved. You stayed.”

You clasped my hands together with yours and smiled before lightly chuckling

“And you know what? As I stared at the two that now were standing before me, all I could do was lightly laugh at them. I then took my ring off as I walked towards her. Fear evident in her face. I then reached out and placed the ring in her hand and curled her fingers into it. I looked at her and just smiled and then leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss to her cheek. And with my final words to her I told her thank you for setting me free. Now I can be with the one person I love more than life itself. I pulled away as she continued to look at me confused. And as I walked toward the door, she never once tried to get me to turn back. So I walked out, got in that beautiful SUV and drove to the home of the person who I never want to try to live another day without by my side.”

I sat staring out at nothing, dumbfounded. Trying to take in all that you had just told me. I hadn’t realized I had started to cry until I felt you lean forward and gently kiss a few tears away. I then looked at you, nothing but happiness gleaming in those beautiful orbs of yours. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t even speak much less move.

“Chester, our wish has finally come true. We can now freely be together. Nothing to stop us.”

My brain finally decided to function and then a smile slowly graced my lips. And without a second thought, I jumped into your lap, placing my hands on each side of your face, pulling you into a deep and passionate kiss. You wrapped your arms tightly around me, pulling me against your body. My sudden reaction left you a little surprised as you kissed me back. I then deepened the kiss by grazing my tongue against your lower lip, waiting access to the sweetness that was your mouth. You greatly obliged by opening your mouth and my tongue darted in, battling yours. The passionate kiss was unfortunately brought to a short end as we both pulled away panting.

You gazed into my eyes so loving, so affectionately. I felt like I was truly on top of the world now. I felt like I for once was truly complete. Truly happy. All the thoughts of this morning quickly faded away. I then leaned my forehead against yours and closed my eyes.


You said softly with a smile to your tone.

“Yeah Mikey?”

I replied, not moving an inch, my eyes still closed.

“I didn’t come straight here like I had told you. I first stopped on the way to pick up something”

I then opened my eyes and sat back, looking into your beautiful amber eyes. Your arms still firmly wrapped around my waist.

“Oh? What did you stop and get?”

I asked curiously, tilting my head to the side in curiosity.

You then took one arm from around me and reached in to your pocket and pulled out two small boxes. Before I could register what you were doing, I brought my hands to my mouth, tears now starting to flood down my face. You brought your other hand around to open one of the boxes. It was a beautiful silver and gold band. You then took my left hand that was now shaking and placed the band on my ring finger. I looked at it admiringly through the tears. You then opened the other box and there inside was a matching ring. You took it out and placed it on your ring finger and then wrapped your arms loosely back around my waist.

“With these rings, I make the biggest promise of all to you Chester Charles Bennington. No one else on this Earth will ever have my heart. No one else will ever fill the space that you fill within me. I will love no other but you for as long as I live. I will let no one take my place and bring that beautiful smile to your face. I will remain faithful and by your side throughout the remainder of my days. You have me forever. Mind. Body. And Soul. Just how it should be. Me and you Chazzy. Against all odds. And against the world. So I ask you my love, will you be mine forever too?”

I couldn’t bring myself to form any words so I just shook my head “yes” and then leaned in and softly kissed you. You had given me what I had always wanted. You gave me the thing I longed for the most. You gave me what I had fought so hard for. What I had let go of so much for. You gave me the thing that made my heart skip every time. You finally gave me you. God Michael Kenji Shinoda, I love you so damn much. For now until forever. It’s me and you against the world.

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