Category Linkin Park
It starts with one...
Here is the beginning of another story of me - but for those who read Unavoidable, this will go, I just have a little writers block on that.
I was very depressed the last days as I came up with the idea for this story. I know it won't such a great story, but writing helps me get some stuff out of my head.
As you could read in the description, there will be a lot of death in this fic - I hope you're okay with that. If anybody needs any tissues, just tell me ;)
I'm sorry again for my bad English.
Disclaimer: I don't own Linkin Park and this never happened... any hopefully never will...
I was sitting at the hotel room – alone. Actually I shared the room with Phoenix, but he had gone out with the others. I had told them that I had a headache… well, I had really a ache, in fact it was deep inside me and I just had to stop it – I couldn’t go on like that.
With shaking hands I pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. They would ask why I did this and I hoped this would answer their questions.
All the thoughts were in my head, but at first I didn’t know how to write them down.
Once again I looked at my arms – they were full of scars. I didn’t really remember the first time I cut myself – it had been so long ago. Everytime I couldn’t controll my feelings anymore, I welcomed the small knife which I always carried with me…
I can already read your minds – why. Well… it’s hard to eyplain it to somebody who never experienced so much emotional pain as I. I can’t even explain it to myself why and when it started – it was just there.
I tried to laugh with you and at least it worked in that way that you didn’t notice. Actually I didn’t want you to notice because even though you’re my best friends you can’t help me with that.
I’m so sorry to hurt you, but I can’t stand it anymore – the pain, my life. I’m sure you’ll find another drummer for the band, maybe even a better one than me…
Thank you for being my friends…don’t worry, I’ll be at a better place… and don’t forget that I’ll be watching you and I’ll always be there… I’ll miss you…
Love you all…
There was strange feeling inside me – so many times I’ve wondered what my last letter would look like. I just stared at the paper for a few moments before placing it on Phi’s bed.
Slowly I went to the small bathroom and locked the door – nothing should be able to stop me now.
At first I tried not to look at my image in the mirror, but I failed. Others would have said that I looked like a ghost – unusually pale, red and puffy eyes – yes, I was crying. It wasn’t an easy decision for me, but I couldn’t think of another way out.
So I pulled the knife out of my pocket and out the blade on my forearm.
With that I pushed the blade down into my skin and pulled down to my wrist. I could feel the warm blood running down my arm.
I was used to the pain and all I felt was the strange feeling inside me – the feeling of death waiting for me. It took all my strength to slice down my right arm, too.
Before I could even drop the knife, I felt my legs becoming weak and one moment later I fell to the floor.
The last thing I could see was the huge amount of my blood all over the floor and then everything got black…
That was a great evening. The bar we had gone to was amazing. The only bad thing about the last hours were that Rob hadn’t been with us.
As I opened the door to our hotel room I tried to avoid any noise in case Rob was already asleep, but then I saw that the light was still on.
“Hey Rob! How are you? You feelin’ bet…”
He wasn’t in his bed.
In that moment a small piece of paper lying on my bed caught my attention. I took it in my hand confused what it would be about. Right then I recognized Rob’s hand writing…
I couldn’t believe what I just had read. It took a few moments to get to my mind and then I could feel panic rising in me.
As he wasn’t in the bed area, I tried the bathroom door to find it locked.
“Rob?! Can you hear me? Don’t do anything stupid!”
I was waiting for an answer, but all I got was silence. I started banging the door as the panic inside me got even worse and I could feel tears running down my cheeks.
I just had to get inside that damn bathroom, so I ran against the door with all my strength and after the third time it finally crashed open.
But what I saw, made me freeze. Rob was lying on the floor – pale and all covered in blood.
As I finally forced my legs to move I kneeled down beside him and layed his head into my lap.
“Rob? Can you hear me? Please open your eyes… stay with me… please don’t leave me…”
He was so cold and I couldn’t see his chest rising. I searched for a pulse on his neck, but I couldn’t find one.
It was too late…
Two weeks later – still Phi’s POV
We were still shocked and couldn’t believe that one of our best friends was gone. These last two weeks seemed like years to me.
One day after Rob’s death we had gone home to L.A. and everybody had tried to overcome it on their own way. I had been crying for three days until I had no tears left.
This was so horrible – if we just had known…
One week ago we had a talk with Rob’s doctor and we couldn’t believe what he told us. Rob had already been diagnosed with depression two years ago, but it had gone worse over the last months and as it seemed Rob hadn’t taken his medication in this time.
The doctor also told us about the cutting – why hadn’t we noticed?
There were thousands of thoughts in my head… Why have you been so stupid, Rob? Why didn’t you tell us? We could have help you…
ROB BOURDON 1979-2004