first story here (posted this on ao3 already)

warnings: slashhhhhhhh // themes of rape/ non con & verbal/physical abuse // heavy violence

idk what more to add, please know that english isn’t my first language & although i prove read this, there might be grammar mistakes or auto correct errors

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You find yourself here again.

The place you’ve sworn yourself you’d never come back to. You’ve sworn a million times.

You’ve sworn to yourself in front of your mirror. You’re sworn to him while sitting in front of him on your knees.

You’ve sworn to your wife when she asked you why you always came back with bruises after spending time with him.

Yet, you could sense something was wrong tonight. Still you lied to your wife again and left the house late at night to drive to his place.

You open the door quietly. He doesn’t know you have a spare key. You took it from his kitchen cabinet years ago, praying he’ll never realize it’s missing.

The house is dark as you enter & silently close the door behind you.

You wonder if he’s home. He should be, the door wasn’t locked. But all lights are turned off. He never turns them off if he’s still awake. He can’t be asleep. It’s two in the morning, that’s the time he usually works. Or drinks himself into stupor, depending on his mood.

You wonder what his mood will be tonight as you tip-toe through the house, careful not to make a sound, thinking his wife is home.

You step on something and it crunches beneath your shoe. You glance down. You’re able to make out glass shards on the floor and see brown liquid around it.

You furrow your brows. That’s weird. He’s a hygiene freak. He cleans everything the second it gets dirty.

You walk further into the house, making your way through the darkness.

You can see a small source of light coming from the living room and make your way towards it. When you enter the living room, you can see him sitting on his sofa. Glass bottle in hand. Half empty.

You know what mood he’s in.

You breathe in before continuing to walk towards him.

„What are you doing here?“ He asks you without even looking at you.

He just plainly stares at the wall opposite from him, lifting up his bottle to drink.

„Mike-„ you start, swallowing hard before you’re able to continue.

„What happened?“ You ask him.

The mood is weird. You can feel the air is nearly suffocating both of you. Tension filling the entire room.

„What the fuck do you think? She left me.“ He says and you can hear his voice getting angrier.

„I- I’m sorry.“ You tell him. And it’s the truth. Partially. You always loved him. His wife was always in the way. You were happy he finally doenst have an excuse anymore. But you also do feel sorry for him. You know he’s sad. You know he loved her.

„No, you’re not.“ he plainly says, drinking more.

„Go away.“ He tells you as you make your way towards him.

You stop for a second before continuing to walk his way.

He turns his head quickly in your direction and gets up.

„Go away!“ He yells at you. „Leave! What are you even doing here? This is all your fault Chester“ He yells, but you still can’t make your feet stop. You continue to walk until you’re right in front of him.

„I’m sorry Mike, really!“ You tell him. You try to sound as honest as possible, but he doesn’t buy it.

„Shut up!“ He yells again.

„How the fuck did you even get in here?“ He asks you. You’ve never used the spare key before, figuring he’d find out if you entered his house without him knowing.

„I-„ you start. You know you can’t tell him about the key. He’d take it away from you and by doing that he’d take away the only chance to reach out to him.

„Leave.“ He said before turning around and making his way towards the sofa again.

„Come on, isn’t it better that way?“ You ask him, not daring to follow him.

„Wasn’t she just in the way?“ You ask and immediately regret it.

He threw the bottle against the wall. You flinch hard as you watch the amber liquid flow down the wall and the shards make their way down onto the floor.

„I loved her!“ He screams.

„You have me now.“ You tell him and he turns towards you.

„I hate you!“ He screams at you.

Normally you’d tear up. But you can’t. You’ve heard him say it so many times, you became numb to those words.

Because you know it’s the truth. You know he doesn’t love you. He’s told you on multiple occasions. You’re nothing to him.

Still, you make your way towards him. You want him to touch you. He always touches you. It’s taking way too long for him to finally reach out and touch your body.

„I loved her. She was everything to me, Chester. You’ve ruined it. Just like you ruin everything.“ Mike yells.

These words hurt. Because you know he truly thinks that way. You know he’d never lie to you.

Still, you can’t help but crave him even more every time he says those words.

When you stop right in front of him, you open your mouth again.

„Mike-„ You start, but he cuts you off.

„Leave my fucking house, I don’t want you here.“ He yells at you.

„Mike please listen-„ He cuts you off with a hard slap against your cheek.

The pain makes your face sting and you can finally feel yourself tear up.

You love it when you cry for him. It’s your way of telling him you love him because words never work on him. You feel for him. And he feels for you too, just differently.

He slaps you again when you don’t move away.

You reach out to touch him, but he swats your hands away.

„Don’t fucking touch me“ He says thorough gritted teeth and slaps you again.

You still don’t go and he grabs your hair hard to pull your face aside, slapping you again.

„I love you Mike!“ You yell out, though wincing in pain.

„I fucking hate you Chester“ He spits out and pushes you away.

You fall backwards onto the floor, your head connecting with it.

You can feel your vision getting blurry as he is suddenly on top of you, both hands tight on your neck.

„I hate you so much, I wish you’d fucking die!“ he yells out.

You tear up again. Not from his words, but from the pain he causes you.

He knows you’d never hurt him that way and he takes great advantage of that.

He slaps you again and you can feel his hands leaving your neck only to move down to your pants.

He rips them off before taking his own off quickly.

You whimper out as he forcefully pulls your thighs apart and slaps you again.

You scream when he enters your dry body in one hard thrust.

You can feel your skin and your rim ripping from it, but you don’t try to stop him. You’d never.

Truth is, times like that are the only times, he’s ever truly yours.

He’s told you before his wife always needs him to be gentle, to be slow.

With you, his real side comes out. And you love it. You love the way he rips you apart. You love the way he hurts you. You love the way you scream out his name when he takes out all his stress and anger on you.

You love it and you know he does too.

You thrusts into you and you can feel yourself starting to bleed.

You can feel yourself ripping. For him.

You can feel yourself bleeding. For him.

You’re screaming. For him.

Everything you do is for him.

You exist for him.

„You need me“ you manage to whimper out between moans and screams.

„I don’t need you. I never needed you. You’re nothing to me. I fucking hate you.“ He grunts as he continues to force his way into you, gripping your waist so hard it’ll leave bruises.

You know it’s not true though. He wouldn’t come back to you all the time if he didn’t needed you. He wouldn’t hate you if you were nothing to him.

You can feel him slap you again and you can feel your vision start to turn black from the pain he puts your body through.

You hear him grunt before you can feel his warm seed fill your insides.

He pulls out nearly immediately and shoves you back onto the ground.

He gets up quickly and makes his way out of the room.

You can hear the shower turn on in the distance and stay laying on the ground.

Your head pounds hard. You reach behind your head and can feel blood on the back of it.

You reach down to your hurting opening. You can feel the blood and Mike‘s release drop out of you, mixing.

Mike had always loved it when you bled for him. Now he didn’t even admire his work. Didn’t tell you you look beautiful covered in your own blood.

You sat there for so long, you have lost track of time. You didn’t notice the shower turn off, didn’t notice the noises in the bathroom as he dressed, didn’t even notice the bathroom door open.

„What are you still doing here?“ Mike‘s bitter questions pulls you out of your thoughts.

You look up at him with wide eyes. You don’t even know. What you do know is that no answer would satisfy him.

„Get dressed and fucking leave.“ was all Mike said before he left the room.

You suddenly remember you’re still naked, still bleeding from your head and from between your thighs.

You look down. Mike doesn’t care. You can feel your heart begin to bleed too. Mike never cared.

You weakly get up, wincing from your body hurting everywhere.

Despite Mike‘s bitter mood, you walk into his bathroom. You quickly step into his shower, washing away the blood from your body.

Under the water, you feel like crying. You wish you could cry. You’ve cried so many tears for Mike, you doubt you’ll ever be able to cry again. Especially for him.

You get out of the shower and walk in front of the mirror. You can see the hand marks forming on your hips, your neck and even the red on your cheeks from where he hit you.

You sigh. You have sworn him long ago you’d do anything for him. Anything for his marks. You always knew Mike loved her, much more than he loved you. In fact he hasn’t told you once that he loves you.

You dry yourself and walk back into his living room to put on the clothes he’d ripped off of you.

„Chester I think I told you to fucking leave.“ You can hear him yelling from the kitchen.

You sigh again. You want to tell him you’re about to go. You also want to tell him that you want to stay. But you already know he doesn’t want you here.

As you walk to the front door, you stop as you hear his sniffling from the kitchen.

You know he doesn’t want you to go to him. You know he’s gonna get angry. You know he’ll probably hurt you more than he just did. You know, yet you still find yourself walking towards the kitchen.

„Mike?“ You ask him. He’s sitting with his back facing you at the kitchen table, another drink in hand.

„Go away.“ Mine coldly said, not looking up, not turning around to face you.

You stand still for a few seconds, then you tell him „No.“

He finally raises his head before he slowly turns his upper body it towards you, staring you deep in your eyes.

„No?“ Mike asks you.

You swallow.

Not once in all those years have you talked back to Mike. Not in the studio when he told you what note to hit, not during practice when he told you were to stand, not in bed when he wanted to fuck

you & most definitively not during an argument.

You have learned quickly to obey everything Mike said. Not because he was violent or forced you to. But simply because it felt natural to you. He was there, he was always there. At the beginning when you just joined the band, you were a wreck. A junkie. A misfit. He guided you through life and it quickly became natural for you to wait for his order to do anything.

But now, after all the times he’s treated you like shit, like the second place, like you’re nothing to him, you’ve had enough.

Mike quickly gets up when you didn’t answer him and walks towards you. His hands are on your neck almost immediately, squeezing.

Sex usually started out like that. An argument, him beating you or choking you and then fucking you so hard it technically borders on rape.

And yet you never shy away from it. From him. You crave it.

You knows he’s gentle and loving with her. With you, he lets his real side show through. He yells at you, insults you, beats you, hurts you and you feel whole every time he does it.

You shut your eyes. You can feel it starting to get hard to breathe. But you don’t try to stop him. He could kill you right here and right now. And to be honest, you wish he would.

He makes you want to die for him.

He squeezed tighter before he lets go off your neck and you slump down onto the ground.

Your body still hurts. But you can feel yourself hurting more when you feel him kick your leg.

You cry out and look up into his face. His eyes are torn open. His face is red. The vein on his neck pulsing hard.

You crawl closer to him and reach out to his leg, trying to hold onto him. He kicks you away again. You cry out in pain.

He hits your face hard. With his fist. You can feel the blood fill your mouth and whimper out.

You can feel yourself getting hard from the violence he puts you through and wonder if he feels the same.

„I hate you!“ He screams at you and pulls you up forcefully by your hair.

„I’m so sick of you Chester“ He yells into your face before hitting you again.

You can slowly feel your head spin and your body turning numb. You don’t even feel the pain he causes you anymore.

He throws you back onto the floor, but remains standing above you.

„Are you deaf? I’m fucking sick of you. Leave! Go!“ He yells again and kicks you.

You don’t know what’s wrong with you. Every normal person would run away. Beg for mercy.

You do beg. But you beg him to continue.

„Mike“ you whimper. „Please“ you crawl closer to him again.

„Please“ you beg again when he doesn’t move.

You want him to hurt you again. He could beat you. He could kick you. He could hit the glass bottle into your head. He could slice you open with a kitchen knife. You’d stay. You’d beg him to continue. You know damn well he could rape you and you’d still beg him to hurt you more.

Because truth is that him hurting you is proof enough for you that you’re more than nothing to him. If you were nothing to him, he’d leave you laying there and go away. But he doesn’t. He stays. You know you are something to him.

„Please“ you beg again, whimpering as you crawl towards him and grab his leg.

He doesn’t kick you away this time. He lets you.

You look up at him. Mouth bloody, eyes wet.

Just when you were about to beg again, he looks down at you in disgust and says „You’re sick Chester“

You moan at that. And rub your face against his thigh, pulling yourself closer to him.

„I love you“ You whimper out.

„I fucking hate you.“ Mike said, teeth gritted.

You manage to push yourself away from his leg, only to sit on your knees right in front of him.

You look up again.

„Please.“ You whimper out. You know exactly what you’re pleading for. You want him to hurt you and you’d do anything to bleed for him. Again and again until there’s no blood left in you.

„Please hurt me more.“ You practically moan.

Mike scoffs and hits your face again.

Your head spins to the side as his hard fists makes contact with your cheek again, you moan loud and Mike kicks you in between your legs, causing you to cry out. But instead of holding your crotch, you sit still, wanting to be good for him.

Mike opens his pants quickly and forcefully, whipping out his length.

You can see that he’s hard too. Another proof that you’re not nothing to him. He wouldn’t get aroused if you were nothing.

He slaps your cheek again before forcefully pulling your head towards his body to push his length into your mouth.

You gag, hard as he starts to thrust into your mouth.

He holds your head so tightly, it hurts. His fingers dig into the still bleeding wound at the back of your head, pulling you closer.

You moan around him as he forces himself deeper into your mouth.

Suddenly he pulls out & pushes you back hard. Your head hits the wall and you can feel the blood flowing again. You moan again as he pulls you in by the neck of your shirt & kisses you hard.

You moan into the kiss when he bites your lip so hard he draws blood.

He pushes you back down onto the ground and pulls down your pants quickly. Mike grabs your waist hard and forces his hard length into your still hurting opening.

You scream again. He begins to forcefully thrust into you and you can feel the cuts inside your body from earlier rip open again.

You know you’re bleeding. He knows too.

You know he’s feeding off of it and as sick as your mind is, so are you.

You try to wrap your arms around him, but he slaps them away and slaps your face hard again.

„I hate you“ he grunts as he thrusts into your tight body, gripping your waist hard.

„I hate you so much Chester!“ He nearly yells and you have to control yourself not to cum immediately from it.

„I love you. Mike Fuck I love you so much“ You cry out as he hits your prostate.

You know you’re about to cum. He knows too by the way your walls contract around him.

You know he doesn’t give a fuck if you cum or not.

You also know he has no idea what’s he’s doing and why he’s doing this.

„I’m gonna kill you eventually“ Mike groans and you can’t help but shoot hot, white sperm onto your stomach from those words.

„Fuck! Shit, Mike don’t stop, I love you, Fuck, oh my god!“ You scream out as he continues to drive into your very worn out and over stimulated body.

He comes with a growl and empties himself in you.

Unlike earlier, Mike rides out his orgasm until he stills.

You expect him to pull out, hit you, yell at you to leave, but he does nothing like that.

He stay inside you until his length becomes flaccid. He slowly pulls out and sits back.

You want to get up and sit beside him, but you can’t. Your entire body hurts. you’re bruised and bleeding everywhere, so you just stay on the ground.

„I mean it.“ you eventually whisper after you two sat in silence for about five minutes. „I love you Mike.“

He doesn’t reply at first, doesn’t even look at you.

„And I mean it too. I’m gonna kill you eventually.“ He says and finally looks at you.

You can see he regrets this. You can see it in his eyes. He already feels guilty for making you bleed. But in some strange way, this is exactly what you two are.

Not a couple. Technically not even an affair. Just two married men, well, formerly married, who fuck behind their wives back. One who hates the other to the point he often nearly kills him and one who loves the other to the point he would kill every single person just to be with him.

Mike had told you multiple times, he doesn’t love you. It’s the connection that brings him back to you. He’d told you he doesn’t want you in his life. He’d told you he hates what you’re doing to him. Yet, for whatever reason, he keeps coming back to you. Like you’re his drug.

And every time he says these things you can feel yourself dying inside a little bit more. You know it’s the truth. You know he doesn’t love you. You know he will never love you. You know he doesn’t want you in his life.

But you do. You love him. More than your own wife. You need him. You want him in your life. And you want to be in his life.

You know Mike will never be yours. You know you’re not be his. Yet there’s a tiny string connecting you two that just can’t be torn apart. Whatever this is between you two, you can’t live without it.

Mike gets up, pulls his pants back up and surprisingly reaches his hand out to pull you up too.

„I mean it. I want you to leave. You’re ruining everything.“ Mike tells you with a weirdly calm voice.

You just look at him as he pulls up your pants and closes them.

„Every day I feel more and more hate towards you. I want to destroy you, Chester.“ Mike tells you, as he rubs your clothes hips with both hands.

„When Anna left…the first thing I thought was 'Chester is gonna pay for this' because it’s your fault.“ Mike said, pulling Chester closer by his hips.

„You’ve ruined my life. You’ve ruined it and you know it. You love the power you have over me. You’re sick in the head, Chester.“ He leans in to kiss you.

„One day…I’ll kill you. Or i’ll ruin your life the way you’ve ruined mine.“ He kisses you again.

„But truth is…you’d love that. You’d love to be killed by me. To have your life destroyed by me. Wouldn’t you?“ He kisses you again, deeper and longer this time.

You nod. You know damn well you would love it. Because that would make him finally yours. If nobody else was in the way, if Mike would make them all disappear, he’d have no excuse anymore.

You know he’s just talking. He’d never do any of this. But deep down, you wish he would. You wish he’d walk toward his table, pull out a knife and kill you right here. Because that would make you his. You’d forever be with him. If he’d take your life, you’d forever be part of him.

You moan at the thought and Mike kisses you again.

„Leave.“ He says, voice cold again, like this man never learned to feel.

„I don’t want to see you anymore“ Mike says before letting go off you and walking back to the table.

You stand there for a couple more seconds before you make your way out of the kitchen towards the door.

Before you can grab the knob, you turn back to him.

„You know I’ll be back.“ You say. It’s not a question, it’s a statement. A fact.

„I know.“ He replies, not turning toward you.

„And you know I’ll be waiting.“ He says before drowning another glass.

You smile. You know he doesn’t see. Doesn’t care that you smile. Still you smile. You also know the sight is terrifying. You look like somebody had just beaten you half to death. And you know it’s exactly what happened. Your teeth are bloody, your face is red, your waist, although covered by your shirt will turn red and blue by the morning, the back of your head is still bleeding, and you know you’re free bleeding into your underwear right now.

You don’t care. Because it was Mike. He painted you in all those pretty colors. He made you his art. His invention. You know the next time you’ll lie naked under him, he’ll look at you and tell you you’re beautiful. You know you’ll look into the mirror tomorrow morning and will think the same.

Happy, you open the door and leave his house.

You know Mike will never be yours. But you know you’ll eventually be his.