I look down at the brown eyes on the thin paper in my hand. The prettiest brown eyes I’ve ever seen. The darkest eyes I’ve ever looked into. The eyes I’ve lost myself in multiple times. These brown orbs, radiating with the light of stars.

I scan over him on the photo.

The colored hair. Red spikes. I close my eyes and remember all the time I buried my hands in those beautiful, silky, soft hair whenever my body was on fire because of him.

I slowly open my eyes again.

The next thing I look at is his smile.

The beautiful white porcelain teeth that softly bit me everywhere, marking me as his.

The full, pink lips that once used to kiss my entire body.

A single tear drops down right on his beautiful face as I remember how these wonderful thick lips felt on my thin ones. The way these amazing lips tasted.

I can hear the rain drops tapping against my kitchen window. A faint thunder appears in the distance.

My heart breaks at the sound.

It reminds me of all the times he’s held me at night when the thunder got too loud again.

How I shivered in his arms whenever the rain mirrored the tears falling down my face.

I tear my eyes away from his beauty and look at the bottle of dark brown rum on the ground in front of me.

The brown liquid reminds me of his eyes.

It always has. The moment my life turned into ashes, I started drowning myself in this killing liquid.

It always made me feel connected to him. I felt a little less lonely whenever I killed my body with it.

I pick the bottle up, drinking quickly. It burns my throat, but after all these years I barely even feel the pain anymore.

After all, nothing could ever hurt more than being alone.

I look down at the photograph again. I look at the way his arm is wrapped around my middle.

It’s been years since I’ve felt this. Years since I’ve felt his hands on my skin. Years since I’ve felt his fingertips caress my broke skin. Years since I’ve felt these wonderful hands heal the invisible wounds, buried deep inside my soul.

Another tear drops down right onto the part where our bodies touch.

Oh, how much I miss it.

This wonderful, manly body. Bigger than mine. Pressed tightly against mine.

The soft skin of his beautiful, big hands. Darker than mine.

Touching my shivering body.

The way we connected. The way he buried himself in me. The way he held and kissed me while filling me up completely.

I have lost you.

I’ve lost your love.

I never deserved it.

I’ve lost what I don’t deserve.

And I can’t blame anybody, but me.

I drink more of the liquid. I remember all the times he’s told me to drink less. All the times he’s told me it’s gonna kill me one day.

I wish it finally would.

I wish it would finally end my suffering.

My pain. My misery. The fire of my slowly burning love.

I shut my eyes tightly.

I want to scream. I want to cut through my skin and let my soul bleed out through the wounds.

I want to cry more.

I want to tear my own heart out and give it to you.

I like to think it would bring you back.

You would be able to feel my love pulsing for you while you hold it in your hands.

I want to decay in your arms. I want to slowly and painfully bleed out in your arms. Your hands pressing down onto my wounds, trying to stop the bleeding.

I want to tell you that I love you again. I want you to say it back. I want you to suck my soul right out of me, through my mouth.

I want you to kill me with your kiss.

I close my eyes again. As another thunder appears a little louder than the previous one, I feel my heart breaking impossible more.

I can feel it break into a million pieces.

I can feel the shards cutting me on the inside.

I know you would be the only one that could glue them back together.

I accept the pain.

After all, it’s my own fault.

I pushed you away.

I killed what we had.

I took our love and burned it.

I told you that I hate you.

I hit you.

I tried to kill you.

I betrayed you.

I told you you were nothing to me.

I told you I don’t need you.

I told you that I hate myself because of you.

What hurts more is that I never meant to say and do these things.

I could never hate you.

I wanted to kill myself for hitting you.

I wanted to cut open my veins for trying to kill you.

I wanted you to beat me to death for betraying you.

I wished I was nothing for telling you you were nothing to me.

I wanted to slice myself open for telling you I don’t need you. Because I know damn well I did. I still do. I will always need you.

I wanted to cut off my tongue for telling you that I hate myself because of you.

I do hate myself. I could never hate anybody more than I hate myself for what I’ve done.

I sit there in my agony, facing my regrets.

I am nothing.

I am slowly burning out like all the candles you used to light up for me whenever we had dinner together.

I can feel my blood boiling underneath my skin.

I hate what I’ve become.

I want to disappear.

I want to erase myself.

I want you to forget me so you’ll forget all the pain I’ve caused you.

I’ve taken something from you.

I’ve taken a piece from your life.

I wonder if you were able to move on eventually.

I have no idea if you were ever able to love anybody again.

As much as I hope you aren’t, I know it would be for the best if you did.

Even after all these years, I hope you found somebody who finally loves you the way you deserve. Somebody who won’t hurt you like I did. Somebody who won’t betray you the way I did.

Somebody who’s able to heal all the wounds I’ve caused you.

It’s been years since I’ve seen you.

Nearly two decades.

Nearly blinded by my own tears I force myself to look down at the photograph again.

I wonder what you look like now.

If you’re still as beautiful as you used to be.

If you’re even more beautiful nowadays.

If you’re a married man now.

If you’re a man with a wife and kids, a big house, a large garden, your own art studio in the basement.

If you’ve finally gotten everything you ever wanted.

I remember all the nights we’d talk about the future. About our future.

The future I couldn’t give you.

The future you had to live without me.

I always knew we wouldn’t work out forever.

We had told each other we would.

We had told each other we would marry one day.

We had promised each other we would be moving into the big house you always wanted to live in.

I had told you I want that.

But even back then I knew I was lying.

I always knew I would end up breaking both of our hearts.

I always knew I would be the one ruining everything.

It was always like that.

I find somebody. I love them. I hurt them. I break them. I break myself. I live with the consequences.

I used to think it would be different with us.

I used to think you would heal something in me.

I should have known it would end up being you that needs to be healed.

In the end, I’m left to mourn after what we had on my own, for the rest of my life.

I was the one that ruined it. I need to accept it.

I open my eyes. I grab the bottle of poison in front of me.

My heart starts beating like it’s gonna explode.

I turn the bottle over, pouring the brown liquid death over our photo.

I reach out towards my kitchen table and grab my lighter.

The blood in my veins boils hot as I light up the photo.

I watch it burn in my hands. I let it fall down onto the white tiles in front of me.

Tiles that used to be as white as your perfect teeth.

The picture burns slowly. I burn first. You burn last.

I let my tears fall down right onto your face as the flames slowly erase you from the very last proof I have of your existence.

As the flame finally dies, there’s nothing left but ash.

And I am still here.

I scream.

I grab the bottle again, pouring it over myself.

I shiver hard as I grab the lighter a second time.

I hold it towards my own hand, flicking it on.

The flames consume me.

I keep quiet as I can slowly feel my flesh melt off my bones.

Not even burning myself alive could ever hurt as bad as being without you does.

My tears continue to fall as I feel my heart burn away inside of me. I refuse to scream out in pain.

I let the flames erase me. I don’t deserve to remember you. But forgetting you hurts even more.

I’ve lost you. I’ve lost your love. I am swimming in the smoke of my own body I am burning. The blame is mine alone.

And now I’m losing what I don’t deserve.