“God Chester, that feels so incredibly good.”

Yeah, well I’ve had enough practice. I could rub woman’s feet for America. I had been rubbing Sam’s every day for a month.

I stood up quickly, dropping her foot from my lap and turning away before she could catch my look. I took three paces towards the window of our living room, and rested my weight with my arms on either side of it. I leaned forward until I could feel the cold of the glass against my cheek.

“Chester? Why’d you stop? What’s wrong baby?”

It must have been a while before I realized she had spoken to me because right after that her hand was on the small of my back. I turned side on to the glass to face her and forced out a smile I hoped would reassure Sam. Unfortunately I had also crossed my arms across my body and taken a small step backwards at the same time which must have made her more worried as she was now starting to look angry.

“You seem really strange Chester. What is it?”

I uncrossed my arms and dropped them to my sides. I couldn’t look at her. I stared out the window. There had been many times over the last six months that I had come close to telling her. Close, but in the end I couldn’t go through with it. Fuck. What a nightmare.

“Sam I…”

“What? You can tell me. You can tell me anything.”

But it wasn’t just anything. How did you tell the woman that was seven months pregnant with your child that you had been about to break up with her right before she told you she was having a baby. You didn’t. You couldn’t be responsible for ruining her life and your son’s life. So you stayed for them both. You pretended that you loved her more than before. That she had made you the happiest man in the world. That was the plan anyway. Just lately it was becoming harder to play this game. At the start I had thought things would get easier with time. That as the baby’s arrival got nearer I would forget about what I had been planning and instead focus on something other than my own selfish motives. I would become excited about fatherhood. I would have a reason to stay that wasn’t just based on guilt. Only it hadn’t gone that way.

“I’m just a little tired Sam. I’m fine though. Just been a long day ya know? Um, I gotta go out for a while. I just remembered something I have to do.”

God that sounded so false. Anyone would see through it. Sam just stared at me trying to figure me out. She could see I was trying to get away from her. She could see there was something wrong. What a jackass. It was either this or break her heart. Right now I had to go. I gave her a quick hug and headed for the door grabbing my jacket and car keys on the way.

“Where are you going Chester?” she called after me. “At least let me know that.”

There was a weariness in her voice that I hadn’t heard before. She was getting tired of questioning me on my evasiveness and getting fobbed off. I couldn’t blame her for that.

“Mikes.” I called to her from the front door. Where else would I be going?

*