I’m so sick of you tonight

I know where you go when you leave me.

I know you take out your stress on somebody else. I know you bury our arguments in somebody else.

I know.

I know because you used to the same thing with me.

You used to call me over when you and your wife argued.

You used to take your stress out on me.

You used to bury all your problems and guilt deep within my body.

And I gladly took it.

I let you.

I used to let you do whatever you wanted to me.

All because you used to love me.

You told me all the time.

“Chazzy…” You stroked my sides as I lay naked in your arms. The smile on my face constant and wide. “You have no idea how much I love you, Chazzy”. You would tell me.

Back then I believed you.

I believed we could love each other because nobody else loved us. I believed you would love me forever because nobody else loved me like you did. You were all I had.

Still, every time you buried your secrets into my skin, telling me how beautiful I was while you and I became one, you’d leave me after.

You went back to her.

You used me.

I always knew you were using me to feel better about yourself, but I never stopped you.

Strangely, I didn’t have a problem with it back then.

Strangely, it was rather thrilling and exciting than anything else.

But you changed. We changed.

After you confessed your apparent never ending love to me, I immediately left my wife and you left yours.

I moved in with you, believing we could love each other freely now.

Believing everything would change.

Believing you wouldn’t need anybody else.

Oh, how wrong I was.

We married early. Four months into the relationship. Way too early. But back then it felt like the right thing to do. We loved each other. We thought we’d do forever.

You told me I’d be yours forever. You told me you’d be mine forever.

It was the happiest day of my life. Never would I have thought we’d turn into different people in the blink of an eye.

But just months later, your “never ending love” crumbled. You shied away from me. Your once sparkly and loving eyes started looking at me in disgust.

You would yell. You would hit me. You’d tell me to leave. You’d tell me to die.

I never yelled back. I knew you’d hurt me more if I did, so I bit back my tears and swallowed my words. You know i’d never hurt you that way.

Instead, I let these words become reality in my dreams.

I would dream about killing you.

I would dream about yelling at you the same way you yelled at me.

I would dream about hurting you the same way you hurt me.

I wanted us to last. I loved you to no end and I was more than sure you used to do that too once. I believed if I behaved, if I played into your rules and restricted myself, turning cravings into fantasies, we’d last forever.

It used to be enough.

Used to.

No amount of fantasizing and dreaming pleased me enough.

I had to make my dreams become reality.

I started yelling back. I started hitting back. I started screaming.

Still, nothing changed.

You didn’t realize that I’ve had enough of the way you treated me.

I had to start drowning my fantasies in alcohol. I loved you. I couldn’t kill you. I knew I had to, but every time I looked at your sleeping face at night, I couldn’t go through with it.

You’re just too pretty to kill.

So instead I started seeing others.

I started doing the same thing you did to me.

You cheated and instead of breaking up with you, I cheated too.

I started burying all my guilt and our obvious problems in somebody else.

I really tried to save our marriage that way. I really tried to kill our pain, which only resulted in bringing more.

I would come home smelling like somebody else.

I would purposely not shower and instead lay right beside you, in your arms, kissing you everywhere.

You’d tell me you love me.

But you only told me after we fucked other people.

You’d always sleep with me after. As if you were sorry for cheating, but I know you’re not. There’s no guilt in you. No regret. You don’t carry any love in you, not for me and not for anybody else. I know that. I can feel it in the way you look at me after filling me up with your warm essence.

I can taste it in the tears you cry after.

I know my love isn’t enough for you anymore.

I know I’m nothing, but a burden in your mind.

I know we’re slowly falling apart.

I can’t remember when we turned into this. I can’t remember when you started hating me.

What I do remember is you promising me you’d love me forever. All these years ago at our wedding.

I remember you once promised me you would never treat me the way you treated your ex. You told me you’d never cheat on me. You swore you’d love me forever.

I also remember the first time you cheated.

We argued about something so small I don’t even remember what it was anymore.

You pushed me against the kitchen wall, making my head knock hard against it.

“Did you hear what I fucking said, Chester?” You yelled.

I swallowed.

Of course I did. You’ve been yelling at me for over an hour now. I’ve never seen you so angry. You’ve never touched me so roughly before.

I held back my words. Of course I did. I didn’t wanna upset you any more.

I cried and sobbed. I couldn’t answer you. I couldn’t believe how you could turn from this loving gentleman into such a monster.

You hit my cheek hard when I didn’t respond.

“Answer me!” You yelled.

I wanted to. I really did. I just couldn’t.

I was frightened by what I saw. Back then I didn’t know there was much more to come. I couldn’t imagine what kind of monster you would become.

My body was stiff. I could do nothing, but cry. The tears blinding me.

My heart was physically breaking in my chest at that moment. My blood turned ice cold and the back of my head hurt too much to form actual thoughts or sentences I could say.

So I just whimpered.

“You bastard, Chester.” You growled and hit me again, this time with your fist.

“You fucking bastard.”

You pushed me harder into the wall.

After you saw the blood on my lip from hitting me, you let go off me.

I slumped down onto the ground, looking up at you with red, teary eyes, in disbelief you could do this to me.

You looked at me the same way you’d look at your ex wife back then before you stormed out of the kitchen and I heard the front door slam shut.

Later that night you came home very late. I was already in bed. I felt you lay down behind me, slumping one arm around my waist immediately.

I didn’t pull away. Instead I tried to push myself further into you.

I fell. I fell hard. Right into you, hoping you’d catch me.

“I love you Chester.” You whispered.

I knew why you said it. I could smell it.

You were with somebody else.

I don’t know who it was. I don’t know who you replaced me with. I don’t even know if it’s the same person every time.

I turned around to face you and looked you deep in your eyes.

“I love you too Mikey” I whispered and moved in until you finally kissed me.

The kiss made me sick. I could taste somebody else on your lips.

I could practically feel somebody else’s hands on your body.

It made me want to kill you and that person.

But I didn’t.

Instead I moved even closer and pressed my face in your chest, ignoring the pull in my guts from smelling this stranger.

Life went on.

I forgave you. After all, whatever we turned into is better than being alone. Being hurt by you until I want to stab you and let you bleed out on our bed is better than being alone.

Anything is better than to be alone.

You still kissed me. You still told me I was beautiful. You still touched my entire body with gentle, soft hands.

It always made me shiver. I couldn’t explain it. I still can’t explain it. I don’t understand how I can love you to death, but want you to die at the same time.

The only thing that changed was that you couldn’t tell me you love me anymore.

Only if you slept with somebody else.

I grew sick of it.

I didn’t understand.

I still don’t understand.

You make me sick.

You turned into a monster and turned me into the same monster as well. A monster I never wanted to be.

Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me.

I never blamed you for loving me the way that you do.

I know I wouldn’t grieve you if you eventually died.

I know I wouldn’t miss you.

And I know very well that you wouldn’t miss me. You’d just replace me with whatever person you’re cheating on me with.

And yet I can’t find myself leaving you.

I could never.

I need you too much.

I know I’m losing myself. I know every time I sleep with somebody else, i’m betraying both of us. I know I should feel guilty. But I just can’t.

I can’t because of you. Because you turned me into a monster without feelings. Because you stole every last ounce of love I carried in me and burned it, leaving my broken soul to decay in its ashes.

I wanted to love you. And I wanted to let you love me.

I never wanted to hurt. I didn’t want you to hate me.

And I most definitely didn’t want to have fantasies about killing you. My husband. The love of my life.

I hate it.

Every day you slip further and further away from me.

Every day I feel another piece of my broken heart disappearing into dust.

Every day the world around me grows darker and darker.

And every single day I hate you just a little bit more.